Etiquette Smackdown, Sort Of

Ladies & gentlemen, it is with regret that I must change this week's topic from other people's appalling behavior to my own.

Travelers & you former study abroad-ers in particular, please raise your hand if you've heard of the following, ahem, Theory of International Dating: once you have traveled across an international border, you are free to ignore the domestically delightful restraints of a romantic relationship in your native country.*

*It is implied that the partner left back home is to dutiful remain faithful and spend much time chastely pining for the traveling partner. Duh.

I hasten to add - I'm hastening so quickly, in fact, that I may trip over my adorable horsey boots here - that I myself never adhered to** this particular belief, as I'm sure none of you have either. I am also definitely, definitively not saying that I regret not grabbing this theory by its deliciously deceitful horns and dating that Ferragamo model during my study stint in Florence. Truly. Quiet there, you in the back.

**Nor do I now, obviously. Hello, Anonymous Husband!

Having so faithfully, ardently, ill-advisedly eschewed this line of reasoning before, I was aghast to discover this week that I've been applying my very own International Rule to . . . thank-you notes. Yes, that grandmother and Pretty-approved tradition was, until recently, apparently limited in my mind to the confines of the United States of Propriety here, as I learned upon receiving a rather lovely thank you letter from a friend currently working in Geneva.

Switzerland?!? I cried internally, upon seeing the address. Granted, Friend & I generally exchange letters & thank you notes, but . . . but . . . this means she had to go to the post office and buy fancy-pants postage and translate my address. The very thought had me diving for the pinot - not that it takes much - until I stopped to wonder where I'd come up with this odd international rule in the first place.

Why on Earth am I hung up on something like thank you notes when apparently we're all destined to lose our jobs and the economy still stinks and mysteriously hirsute now-ex-Governors are parading about the airwaves? It's the comfort of ritual, simply. When everything else appears to be threatening my cozy little world, and not in the good, boundary-expanding Oprah-fuzzy-lighting sort of way, it is a comfort to know how to act in at least one, albeit small, situation. Most importantly, it is nice to know that I can - or could, if I was willing to get up off my oh-so-comfortable couch and just go to the stupid post office already - inexpensively and quickly convey a kindness to a faraway friend in a non-computer, non-Facebook broadcasted*** manner. That's all.

***Now THERE is a topic for future discussion. Fellow Facebookers, you're on notice.

(Credit: I bring you my next thank-you notes, courtesy of the ever-correct Preppy Princess)

That isn't my actual name on the card; apparently they couldn't fit "She-Ra, Princess of Power".

So off I go to watch "Grey's Anatomy" even though it's utterly worthless now to put some notes in the domestic & international mail alike. As for Giorgio the model, we'll always have - or would have had, rather - Tuscany. Sigh.

Ask the Etiquette Maven - Thank You Note Edition

***Important, Special Disclaimer to Readers: The question "writers" in our etiquette columns in no way resemble actual people - that is, not people we actually like or know very well in real life. In any event, this is merely an exercise in smug judgment writing both sides of an advice column and is meant all in good fun. Doesn't everyone do this? No? Hmm . . .

That is all. And now back to our regularly scheduled snark . . .
*****

Dearest EM:

Just over one year ago, I had a wonderful, plush wedding! Oh, and married a wonderful man to boot. This past year has been an incredible blur of exchanging wedding presents - who has the nerve to buy off registry nowadays? - and doodling "Mrs. NewLastName" on my legal pads while pretending to work, when not otherwise regaling friends with tales of how incredibly fabulous my nuptials were.

In fact, I have been so incredibly busy in my duties as Mrs. NewLastName that I only recently found the time to write those pesky thank you notes to my - excuse me, our - wedding guests. Would you believe that some of those guests have the nerve to be upset at my sending out thank you notes more than one year after my, ahem, "Big Day"? Isn't there a one year rule, which gives me up to one year to send notes anyways? So I barely missed the one year deadline, but it's not as though I asked them to address their own notes - horrors! I simply sent everyone the same very generic thank you for their "very nice gift" and left it at that. I mean, writing thank you notes is so super boring and outdated and all anyways . . .

Hey, did I mention that I was recently married?

Sincerely Yours,

Mrs. NewLastName

Dear Mrs. . . . what was your name again? It's been so long since we've heard from you that we didn't recognize your sparkly new name on your note.

Oh, yes . . . first off, Mrs. NewLastName, please allow me to send my best wishes to you for your kinda recent marriage. It is an exciting time for a young lady, no?

And yet, isn't it curious that many of us recently married young ladies found the time to pen thank you notes within the recommended three months or so - three months, not one year - as suggested by Polite Society? By "notes", we mean thank you cards that weren't generic references to gifts (you know, the ones that our guests put considerable time and money into purchasing), but actually referenced the specific guest and gift in manner that suggests we actually know and care. When done correctly, these lovely acknowledgments of friends take a mere five minutes at most and need not be long - in some instances, 3 lines or so can convey the appropriately grateful (bolded for emphasis) tone we're just certain you meant to convey. To this end, we suggest putting Miss Post in your Amazon queue post haste and referencing the elegant sample notes she includes therein.

Just think of the opportunities incorporating thank you notes into your everyday life - yes, Mrs. NewLastName, thanking people does not end after the wedding - gives you to communicate with loved ones and, more importantly, purchase Good Paper! This GP need not be expensive; for our own nuptials, we ordered simply embossed notes similar to these. If you have the budget or inclination to go with heavier card stock and thermography or engraving, look for something from our friends at Crane like this. Alternatively, if you'd really like to stimulate the economy and impress your friends - with something other than endless tales about the wedding they've already attended - look at the new online bespoke store from the legendary Mrs. John L. Strong. The point being, Dearest, that Nice Ladies always keep good stationery at the ready, and the brand and expense really isn't the point - the act of being grateful is where it's at.

To conclude, Mrs. . . . oh, yes, NewLastName, you were correct to at least send notes at all, although having sent them so late after the wedding, it's advisable to include a brief explanation with your note explaining the tardiness. We imagine valid excuses to be limited:

• You were called up last minute to fill in for Kim Kardashian after she was swiftly eliminated from "Dancing With The Stars", and your related duties took up over one year of your time.
• You were involved in a serious, but not deadly, accident while performing your "DWTS" duties, which including harm to your writing hand for the duration of one year.
• You were called to be David Beckham's personal assistant. (Actually, this might be unkind to include, so likely is it to incite mayhem and jealousy amongst your note recipients. May I suggest referencing a fatal illness instead?)

The point, Sweets, is that thanking one's friends and loved ones is an absolute pleasure. And we aren't suggesting that a thank-you note is necessary on all occasions; again, reference that helpful Miss Post above for the when & where. We suspect that once you get into the habit of being grateful, you'll find it rather catching. After all, you might be so busy writing notes that you stop talking about your wedding already - and surely that's a concept we can all support?

Smootchily Yours,

***Edited to Add: Yes, I did receive such a "thank you note". Yes, I did have to stare at it for a while in order to recall who exactly had sent it. I might add that this subtracted from precious time on the couch watching "Project Runway", to add insult to injury.

Ask the Etiquette Maven

Dear EM:

I have this person - let's say by means of entirely random example she is a colleague - who is generally well-intentioned and kind, but routinely comments on what I'm eating, particularly the food is of the unhealthy variety. Just the other day, she very kindly noted that the Halloween candy I was eating was one of my "vices", and that I ought to be careful around the office lest I gain 10 pounds during the Thanksgiving and Christmas season.

So when the same lady asked for candy just this week, I sweetly fibbed and claimed to be flat out of the good stuff. Auntie EM, is a girl justified in protecting her special Halloween edition York Peppermint Patties from such a person?

If I weren't so daintily feminine and proper, I might note that this particular lady is not, er, of the fitness-inclined persuasion, as it were, whereas I do try to be in between candy corns.

XOXO,
Anonymous Reader

Dear Anon,

Not only are you justified, Sweets ( and with the occasional sweets), but I recommend when next asked to part with one of your hard-earned candies, you look her directly in the eye, tell her again that since you are concerned about your health, you're reserving treats for special occasions, and thank her for her ongoing concern. This has the benefit of both being true, as well as protecting the goods. Bonus points if you can keep the sarcasm out of your voice while saying this, although We're admittedly still learning how to do that ourselves.

And do try to recall that some people, when attempting to strike up conversation, just don't know what the Hell is appropriate are awkwardly fumbling around for something decent to say and grasp for the nearest conversational gambit. Benefit of the doubt is always a good thing, but Peppermint Patties safely tucked away in your supply cabinet = better. Do let a bon-bon or two out of your cold, chocolate loving grasp every now and again in the holiday spirit, and then be done with worrying about it.

Smootches,

Legallyblondemel, EM Extraordinaire

PS - We do realize the delicious irony of doing such a post directly after one about Emily Post's biography, and we trust that you will ignore the same as we do and just knock back a candy corn or 500 with us in the spirit of things.