Easing Into Reality . . .

For those of us doing the job thing (or, nowadays, fortunate enough to have a job thing), let's all take a moment of silence to commisserate over the suckiness that was going back to work today:

(((pause)))

As us laboring sorts unite in our self-pity, I hope you'll forgive my easing slowly from nattering on about my beachy vacation into my usual delusions of grandeur and self-importance. After all, a girl can't just jump from poolside bliss to Judging Other People, from 0 to 60, overnight. Except that I so totally can, but am trying to Keep Up Appearances here. Thank you for your understanding.

In any event, an email chat with the original Retail Ninja, SLynnRo, got me thinking about the oft-colorful experience of being an American abroad. On my recent adventure, "abroad" = "sitting as still as possible in a Baja paradise", so I only speak from my particular poolside perch here.

As a Southern Californian by nurture and nature, it is my particular birthright to speak with innate authority on two subjects - cosmetic surgery (*not* that I've had any yet - truly - nor do I plan to yet) and appropriate poolside / beachy decorum. I imagine this is much like you Manhattan types hold the floor on sample sales & you Chicagoans can speak to abject political corruption.

In any event, I know these guidelines are redundant amongst my most attractive, intelligent, and genteel readers. Since I've got my complaining tiara on anyways, here are the Pretty Top 5 Rules for How Not to Represent Self and Country (USA) While in Beachy Paradise Abroad:* **
*Yes, yes - there are some very serious problems happening in the world right now which might - might - trump beachy rules in the grand scale of things. I hear those nice folks over at CNN cover that sort of thing.

**If you suspect I'm writing about this only to avoid talking AGAIN about Those Books Pretty Won't Shut Up About, you might be right. Look, I'm trying here. Thank you again for your understanding.

Rule 5 - Make out conspicuously in the pool/ocean, either while in full view of other patrons and/or in the same body of water as them. Because the ocean view princess suite you booked simply isn't sufficient to contain the intense flames of your poolside passion.

Rule 4 - If you are in a country where the primary language is not English, speak English in a loud, condescending to the resort staff and become irrationally irritated with them for not then understanding you.***
***Ask me how I feel about this one if a proposed Asia trip comes to fruition. I'm beseeching you to have a short memory here. Loveyoumeanitlater.

Rule 3 - Men and women alike, wear as much flashy jewelry poolside as possible. The more diamonds, the better. After all, isn't it a swell idea to advertise how much money you have while abroad?

Rule 2 - While you're speaking English, God's Chosen Language, say it loud and proud - at least two decibels above your comfortable "inside voice". If you see us flinch, that means we can't hear you yet.

Rule 1 - Ladies, please use your new Goyard tote or LV Damier Canvas hobo as your (sand filled, sunscreen spewed, pina colada drenched) pool tote. See Rule 3 above, then proceed to my lounge and deposit offending bag with me.

Lovelies, anything I'm missing here?

Gone Beachy

(Credit: Wikimedia)

Pretty HQ hereby announces our temporary New Year's relocation & our wishes for a glorious holiday season to all. During this time, please send any correspondence or restorative beverages (with emphasis on the latter) to me via the swim-up bar in _________ . . .