Grabbing The Bright Side By the Throat, Newlywed Edition

ALERT!  Unicorns and rainbows and whiskers on kittens to follow!  ALERT!

If you'll forgive me this Fraulein Maria moment*, I'm finding myself in need of an attitude adjustment of the sort that only cosmetic dermatology can provide.  Since the Tax Man has taken that lifeblood away for the moment - turns out you can't deduct chemical peels - I'm forced to turn to the free, non-alcoholic** variety of happy perspective.

*Am I using this phrase correctly, Ms. Coconut Diaries?

**Non-alcoholic just because it's Tuesday - and I'm out of Veuve. 

Maybe it's all the gorgeous wedding pictures floating around the web as of late - ahem, Kate - but amidst all of the These Difficult Times gloom of the past few weeks, I've found myself going over the past 2.5  years of my marriage and finding comfort in the little Smug Married*** stuff. 

 ***These apply to anyone who has been in a long-term relationship, be it with a man, woman, or Chia Pet.

Of course, this isn't to say that I believe my Smug Marriage is perfect or anywhere near it.  I intentionally, and under blood oath, don't dwell on the negative or truly private stuff here except to say that, left to his own devices, the Anonymous Husband would verily bury our home in piles of change left everywhere, the weight of which would eventually sink our house.

Ahem.  In any event, I'm forcing myself to take the By God, I'm A Fortunate Person!?!?!!! approach today with things I'm starting to learn about my husband type person such as:

          - I like that I can tell when the AH is doing his fake laugh.  No, I won't tell you.

          - I like that he blatantly tries to cheer me from my frequent occasional sullen moods my making me laugh, even though it makes me want to deck him (in the most demure, feminine manner possible) at the time.

          - I like that he himself is rarely in a sullen mood, which leaves me free to be the moody one.

          -  I like that he tells me the same thing, line for line,  each day before I leave for work.  I like less that I leave for work before him, or leave for work at all, but I digress . . . 

          - I like that I don't have him or this all figured out yet.

And with that, my darlings, I'm off to Force! Perspective! And! Happiness!  via ice cream & "The Colbert Report".

Important, Special Note to Juicy Couture

Pretty Headquarters
One Snark Avenue
Principality of Monaco, via Austin, Texas

Juicy Couture
123 Tacky on a Stick Trail
Los Angeles, CA 9208-oh

Dear Miss Juicy:

I'll admit that you had me fooled - hoodwinked, even - such that I began to overlook those ludicrous $200 velour track suits - all together now, $200 velour track suits - with your fun retro fashions this season:

(credit: Saks. And hopefully Pepto-Bismol, given the aggrieved look on the model's face. How is is that dire gastric distress is meant to sell clothes, I ask you?)


(credit: Ssense.com)

(credit: Nordstrom)

Alas, my cheap-fabric-clad pets, you dashed my faith in one swell, tragi-handbag swoop lurking within my Nordy's holiday catalog:

(credit: Shopbop)

For $225 of my very own hard-earned dollars, Miss Juicy, I do not choose you. I choose pinot grigio. And Pugs that greet me at the door and snore softly in my ear every night. And the Constitution. I do not choose a $225 walking advertisement for your intergalactic company o' craptastic taste, for which I am paid absolutely nothing, particularly in these financially fearsome times.

(credit: Revolve Clothing)

What's that sound, kittens? Could it be the Four Horsemen of the Stuff Men Are Afraid Of Apocalypse, galloping away at the sight of this?

Given that my readers are utter geniuses that are entirely beyond on the Pretty and Witty Scales, this goes without saying, but . . . for those Princesses hoping for a Princess cut, a frighteningly huge CZ on a key chain is likely only to let those Four Horsemen stomp all over any dreams of, you know, an actual diamond ring. For those engaged Princesses, presumably you have an actual ring of sorts, or will have one shortly on that Pretty ring finger of yours, rendering this clap-trap obsolete at best, or show-off-y at worst. And for us Smug Marrieds, isn't this just one more piece de resist-crap to file away in the Re-Gifting pile (not that I'd ever do that, naturally)?

To conclude, Miss Juicy, I'm aware that you're aiming for a demographic approximately half my age and thrice my income level, but it stings nonetheless. After we'd started the year off on such a good note, perhaps it's just my disappointment speaking. Nonetheless, I've learned to keep my friends close, and overpriced tracksuits closer . . . wait, no that doesn't quite work, does it? Sort of like $45 pretend engagement rings on a key chain.

Hmmmph,

Legallyblondemel