Giveaway - "Mommywood"

Before I announce this giveaway, I feel compelled to mention a few things . . .

- I have seven years of higher education under my mental belt, and no, that wasn't all spent in undergrad although I certainly wish that it was. Kids, extend your time in glorious undergrad for as long as possible - or as long as Mom & Dad will tolerate it;

- I have a dreadfully serious day job for which I get to read dreadfully serious stuff;

. . . and so in my spare time, amongst the Chaucer and Dickens, I admit to reading and liking beach-reading books like "Mommywood", ghostwritten by my favorite 90210 alum and yours, Tori Spelling. Yes, that Tori Spelling.

As in, the star of "Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood", the reality show to which I'm hopelessly addicted & which has me secretly convinced that, in another universe, Tori and I could be friends. You know, in that wholly non-stalkery way. All to the dismay of and derision from the Anonymous Husband, naturally.

While the book does not answer burning Spelling questions such as, "What happened to her real life little brother, ie, Steve Sanders' sibling?" and "What supernatural force, aside from surgery, is behind that incredibly odd cleavage?", I argue that "Mommywood" is both an entertaining and yes, at times relatable, read. I found myself empathizing - empathizing, lots of syllables here - with Spelling's desire to overcome her unusual familial past and create that proverbially "normal", picket-fence clan of her own.

(Credit: Barnes & Noble. With apologies to my 9th Grade Honors English teacher.)

One of you lucky readers will win my copy of "Mommywood" by merely following these convoluted rules:

FOR ONE ENTRY: Leave me a comment to this post;

FOR TWO ENTRIES: In addition to leaving me one comment, let's try something different than the usual drumming-up-followers business - leave me an entertaining haiku, poem, or movie quote. You don't have to write it yourself, but if it isn't yours, please credit the source. Feel free to publicize this giveaway on your site or Twitter, but the key point is the funny bit. If I am amused, you get two entries.

Yes, this "amuse me" bit is a totally subjective standard. I'm writing the rules. Surely my sweetly dictatorial tendencies don't come as a surprise by now, do they?

RULES TO ENTER: Forgive me, international readers, but due to extortionate mailing costs, you must live in the US to win. You must also be 18 years of age.

Entries will close by this Friday, June 19th at 6 pm, so please enter away . . .

Dignity = 0, Instant Gratification = 1

It is not a proud day here at the Pretty. Despite prior displays of self-restraint, and kind offers from friends to just loan it to us already, we succumbed. Yes, it was today during our daily weekly Target visit when we decided we just could not survive one more hot minute sans:

(credit: Barnes & Noble)

In our defense - and on the off chance you've forgiven us and are still reading - we offer you the following justifications for said purchase, all of which enjoy the added bonus of having just been declared null and void by a certain Anonymous Husband:

1. It's Monday.
2. We're hereby playing the Hormone Card; see our FP post - if you dare.
3. It was, like, totally fate. There we were, standing in an interminable line behind the Check Writing Coupon Lady (more power to you coupon types, but we admit to feeling rather unladylike urges towards those who not only write checks - checks? - in a checkout line, but wait until they're at the counter to start filling them out), when lo . . . where was I going with this again . . .
   
4. Oh, yes - so there I was waiting in the Target line that would not end, when an express lane opened, cashiered by a 30-something lady who understood our secret shame. Surely this was meant to be!
5. We have a difficult job where we read numbingly dull complicated stuff all day, so we generally like a bit of escapism and less syllables in our leisure reading.
   
6. Um . . .
7. This purchase scratched the buying itch we'd had thanks to the latest J. Crew catalog, to the tune of the approximately $5,467,892.67 extra the JC Preppy purchase would involve. Not that we aren't going to order 3/4 of the Fall catalog, but we've bought ourselves another day to think about it!
8. Ah . . .
   

Lovelies, the moral of this tale is that for the sake of both self-respect and marital harmony, we'll be needing to send this tome along as soon as we're done - which should be sometime tomorrow. 100% inspired by that Mom with the Mostest, One Fabulous Mom, and her recent Tori giveaway, we'll also give this one away. Just leave the Pretty the most patently false, over-the-top compliment you can conjure in the comments, and we'll select the most absurd one as the lucky winner. Because we may have lost our dignity today, but not our knack for narcissistic self-promotion . . .

Smootches,

902-uh-oh

Oh, yes - you knew this day was coming, given our Pretty love for all things Tori and "90210" - the old 90210, that is. We promise to keep it brief and return to our regularly scheduled programming shortly, but we just HAVE to briefly go over last night's premiere of the sparkly new "90210", applying our Five Truths of the 90210 Universe:*
*Don't worry, we aren't spending our weekends at Star Trek-style conventions or anything like that. Not that we have a problem with people who do - we'd frankly just prefer to go shopping, but to each their own. Sort of. In any event, we confess our extreme bias against this newfangled version, but vowed to give it a shot in hopes of glimpsing past glory.

(credit: Los Angeles Times)

The New Kids on the Rodeo Block

Fashion Choices That Hurt Your Eyes While Making You Wonder - Is That The Next Trend I'll Be Trying to Find at Forever 21 Tomorrow?

It must be said that the new 90210 hit the nail on the tragically, questionably hip head. Despite some heavy Googling, we have yet to find you some pics (recap here in the LA Times), so we'll just summarize and say that there were enough bright leggings and tacky, logoed bags(including one Chanel that has been so knocked-off lately it's in our "Why Bother" category) to keep Kelly Taylor happy and my head between my hands for no small amount of time. There was one beautiful, Marc Jacobs-y looking blazer that the new Bitchy Blonde, Naomi, wore that Must Be Mine, but aside from that, it was a doozy. From what little we've seen of "Gossip Girl", we much prefer the stylist over on their Upper East Side.

We'll edit later to include pics as we find them, but for now, we award Newbie 90210 1 point for keeping the fashion on the cutting edge of trendy/tragic (with the edge going to tragic).

The Opening Music Montage Shall Be Set Against White Backdrop and as Cast Members Dance Dorkily to THE Song

In unbelievably cruel manner, our Evil Tivo neglected to record the 1st 20 minutes. Disaster! Thankfully, the day was saved by Anonymous Husband, who spotted the problem upon coming home and switching on the TV to watch (! our influence is spreading!) According to AH, the Opening Music Montage basically went along in manner of the old show. Hmmph. Still not pleased, but . . . 1 point to the Newbies.

The Main Character's Parents Shall Be Unrealistically Nice and Naive

And hot, as it turns out - who knew Aunt Becky was lovely perkiness personified? However, we count this as a point against the Newbies; Mr. and Mrs. Walsh were delightfully, reassuredly normal and wholesome, just as we all hope our very own parents to be. While we first and foremost stand for being Prettier Than Everyone Else, including but not limited to fictional parental units, and therefore we don't appreciate the Wilsons stomping onto our turf in such tanned, hairsprayed manner.

On the naive point, the Wilsons are just as ridiculously trusting as the Walshes ever were. Big Man on Campus suddenly asks daughter out for a "hang" (??) Hybrid hot dad/ high school principal instructs son and team not to prank rival high school, despite obvious opportunity and desire to do so? None of this is on par with allowing Brenda to go to Prom with Dylan, or allowing Dylan near anyone for that matter, but still . . .

. . . we call it a draw for the Newbies on this point.

There Shall Be Ostentatious Displays of Inexplicable Wealth

Remember back in the old days, when Kelly's 3-series Beemer was the rich kids' car of choice? Apparently we've moved onwards and upwards income-wise . . . in addition to the be-logoed handbags everywhere, it was Bentleys and private jets and huge houses, oh my! Speaking of the latter, the Ridiculous Housing Award baton has apparently been passed from the cast of "Friends" to the Wilsons (main characters' parents), the father of whom is . . . a high school principal. I say that most high school administrators should be living in such digs, but, hello, the local salaries aren't covering your average faux-Tuscan monstrosity.

-1 point to the Newbie 90210, because I like the 3- series and think we should have kept the materialistic stuff a bit more reasonable. Please ignore any glaring hypocrisy in the last sentence. Thank you.

The Teenagers Shall Be Beaten Over the Proverbial Head with Important Moral Lessons

Remember in the old ones, how Mr. & Mrs. Walsh would lovingly, yet firmly deliver the moral punchline in that Laura Ashley kitchen of theirs? I'm happy to report that the heavy-handed moralism is alive and well here with the new kids, although the moral quandaries of late - uh, like the road "loving" scene?!? - have certainly advanced beyond the prior West Bev set. Being an Old Fashioned sort of blogette, we confess we rather prefer the old problems, but in the name of trying to keep up, we'll play along and try to follow along.

+1 for keeping with tradition here.

The Actors Playing Teenagers Shall Actually Be a Minimum of 35 Years Old

We are very sorry to report that the Newbie actors actually look like teenagers, as opposed to ridiculous facsimiles thereof. Yes, Aaaaaaahndrea Zuckerman, we're looking longingly at you.

In an interesting twist on this Universal Truth, the casting director made the parents look much younger - and as we've established, hotter - than parents have any right to be. We must concede that as a show based in Beverly Hills, these parents would have access to the finest plastic surgeons and dermatologists in the land, but come on.

-1 for distressing hot, young parents trend.

Conclusion - we're simply hopeless at math - or at least that's what we tell the AH in hopes he'll do it for us. In any event, rather than tally up the above, we'll just go on the record as saying we're good to watch at least a few more episodes while vainly hoping for the Kelly Taylor / Brenda Walsh catfight we always pined to see - what was with their being so sappily nice last night, by the way? - but we aren't very hopeful beyond that. Like, totally.

We now return to our regularly scheduled Pretending To Be a Lady . . .

Design for Dummies (i.e., me)

Attention all you latent interior designer types, I am in dire need of assistance. Having precisely zero creative talents, hence my delightfully mundane profession, there's as much likelihood of my morphing into Candice Olson as there is of Steve Sanders having anything to do at all other than the 90210 remake.

Oh, Steve. You can leave the man-perm behind, but it will never leave you - or our hearts.
(completely gratuitous photo courtesy of www.abcnews.com)

But back to interior design . . . so I am pleading for some help in putting together my new home's master bedroom. While I fully intend to live in a place like this someday - pillars make me unreasonably lightheaded with happiness - I'm currently in a contemporary, Asian-influenced, revamped ranch home. It's the perfect, funky Austin home for us now, but we will likely move post-little people-arrival into something larger and more traditional.

Hence my problem of how to bridge the design elements between something contemporary enough to suit my current house while keeping things somewhat traditional. I think this style is called "transitional"; Barbara Barry, one of the few designers I do know, seems to embody this well - love her stuff. In any event, while we're playing up the contemporary, Asian-theme in the "public" areas of the house, I'd like to keep the bedroom slightly more traditional.

Since Anonymous Husband absconded to Beijing with the Pretty Camera, I'm going to have to bore you with some internet photos. Overall, the master bedroom is small, so I'm trying to keep things light and airy as possible to emphasize the space I do have. Here are my Restoration Hardware linens:

And I painted the walls a lovely, lighter shade of that sage blue with white trim and hung some wonderful, inherited, white & taupe-framed drawings on either side of the bed:

Our night-stands have incredibly awful rose-gold handles we've replaced with bronze ones, better matching the other fixtures in the house / planet. You have to pinky swear, right now, that you won't sit there thinking "How tacky is that I Pick Pretty and her faux-gold handles? Does she think she's living at Caesar's Palace or something?"

So I'm in need of (a) an actual, grown-up bed; (b) a throw rug, probably 2 x 3, incorporating this sage blue/chocolate/white theme; (c) table lamps for the beside tables; and (d) an ounce of taste and decisiveness when it comes to (a) - (c). Here are some ideas:

Restoration Hardware strikes again. I'm thinking these clear lamps will emphasize the light & draw the eye up; like the classic outline with the modern material.

(credit: Ballard Designs)

The bed is giving me difficulty because we're limited on height (to around 46 inches) thanks to a window behind our bed. Anonymous Husband prefers a low, Japanese-style bed, whereas I believe in a Princess & Pea style giantess number. This strikes me as a good compromise.

So I beg of you, darling, kind readers with actual design taste, please point me in the right direction. Don't feel that you need to spare my feelings; they've been stunned senseless by an excellent Coppola cab anyways. Thank you in advance!

Important Note to the CW

Pretty Headquarters
123 Princess Grace Way
Principality of Monaco, via Austin, Texas, United States of Pop Culture

August 14, 2008

Dear CW:

This has recently been brought to our attention. Whilst we suspect you are up to the usual promotional trickery, this letter is to remind you that nonetheless, We Are Watching You, CW (cue The Police song). Donna Martin is an inimitable, irreplaceable part of the "90210" experience; after all, it is not your average girl who can overcome cripplingly bad SAT scores and tragic dye job to become a contestant in the Rose Bowl pageant and maintain an unbelievably posh beach apartment, (nearly) all the while maintaining her virginal status!

Therefore, we politely ask that you pay Ms. Martin exactly what you're paying Kelly, Brenda, and any others (Aaaaahndrea?) making a command appearance, lest you Incur Our Wrath. After all, you do not mess with the Tori:

(credit: NYC Arthur at Flickr)

(Note the vastly improved color and makeup jobs since the Peach Pit years. Let's reward a girl a for a lesson well-learned, no?)

Thank you for your prompt and professional attention to this matter.

Warm regards,
Moi, Pretty HQ

5 Reasons Why You Should Like Me Better Than Paris You-Know-Who

Let’s get things started here on the right, pedicured foot, shall we? It’s important that we be in agreement that Paris Whatsherface* is against most things that Nice Ladies Everywhere hold dear, with the possible exception of our mutual affection for highlights. *Yes, I should have moved past loathing Paris by now to hating one of those new singing gazillionaire teenagers, but like Tevas, some terrible things/people just refuse to go away.

In any event, it has come to this blog’s attention that Ms. SkankyPants (SkankyNoPants?SkankyInvisibleSkirt?) has yet another reality tv show in the works, in which the ever-so-fortunate guests compete for the ho . . . ho . . . I just can’t get “honor” out, and the surely the former is more instructive here . . . of being Paris’ new BFF. Yes, yes - throw your virtual shoes at me (Louboutins, please, preferably real and size 38) for using the loathed “BFF”, but I’m merely the pop culture messenger here.

While I am not necessarily in the market for new best friends, being fortunate enough to have a few lovely ones already, I have recently relocated to Austin and found myself in need of girlfriends. After all, I need to learn where to go to maintain (1) said highlights; (2) my wine –to-body fat ratio. NBC seems unenthused about my concept, so I’ve taken to the web in my quest to defeat She Who Cannot Be Named at her own game. I propose the following reasons why you should join me:

1) I bring a great love of all things 80s / early 90s to the table. While SkankyPants might actually know Tori Spelling – and I obviously am 105% jealous of this – I triple-dog-dare her to compete with my knowledge of the Peach Pit After Dark and the magic that is the Opening Music Montage.

(photo credit: NYCArthur at Flickr)

*Important, special note to the CW*: you’d best not screw up this “90210” spinoff. We’re watching, and unlike the college years - both at “CU” and in reality - we are (most likely) not under the jello shot influence this time around.

2) Although the Bachelor and Bachelorette are on my permanent TiVo rotation, I have my very own drama-free, adorable husband. I don’t mention this because of some dark belief that being married conveys ultimate moral superiority, but merely to illustrate that I managed to end up with someone who is not a) an addict; b) an actor/model/whatever; c) in a questionable “rock” band; d) an addicted actor/model/whatever who is in a questionable “rock” band. Take that, Mr. Good-God-Charlotte-Why-Do-You-Keep-Wearing-That-Tragic-Hat.

3) Like Whatsherface, I too have a foofy dog. I, however, have only one foofy dog, and it must be said that he is reaaallly, reaaally good looking. Most importantly, I do not carry him around in a freaking Louis Vuitton dog carrier. OK, so it might be that Boobs Simpson is the one doing that, but whatever. Make my LV a dog-free Epi Leather Bowling Montaigne GM, thankyouverymuch.

4) I have interests (aside from) that do not include starring in b-list movies and challenging my too-short skirts to just once, just not today, make my assets well acquainted with all passersby. I may be a cotillion dropout, but somewhere along the way I did learn how to politely remove my gloves from my hands and keep my undies from public viewing. Not to say that observing and making fun of the above isn’t a right and joyful hobby in and of itself. And yes, my interests would include shopping on Melrose at will if I were a heirhead too.

However, in addition to the usual shopping and beautification hobbies, I’ve managed to graduate from high school and more. I’ve also been known to read , see a movie, and watch strange comedy – sometimes all at once. In fact, if you’re one of those sorts who sighs, “I just don’t get British humor”, you may as well turn around and go back to watching Mario Lopez on Animal Planet or what have you. Not that I’m British, or Aspiring British like HRH Madonna and her tragic accent of late – I'm just saying.

5) Um . . . did I mention shoes? Oh, sure, Paris probably possesses more pairs than I do, but does she love hers as much as I doodle-it-on-my-Trapper-Keeper-level-of-love these beauties that just arrived?

(credit: Neiman Marcus)

Thank you for your vote of support. I stand for CHANGE . . . well, that’s actually the guy who’s running for President, in case you hadn’t heard it everywakingmomentfromsunuptosundowndangit. OK, maybe I just stand for nice stationery, good jewelry, and just generally seeking out the good life, but that’s a stance I feel like The American People (have you ever wondered who The American People are, exactly? And how they must have forgotten to call you while polling these mysterious TAPs?) can embrace . . .