Thursday, October 18, 2012

Infertility, or That Time My Ovaries Ate My Shopping Budget

Subtitle: "No, I'm Not Knocked Up - Here Are Some Thoughts"

Writing about infertility without sounding melodramatic or self-pitying is . . . well, it's like trying to have a baby. It can get complicated.

However, because my real-life friends / readers - it's true, I have at least two of them - have been asking about how things are going with it, I figured I'd try to talk about it here (YAY!). Selfishly, it's easier for me to briefly address it here once versus repeatedly in person.

Basically, the cocktail of meds I'd been taking for my "thin" variation of PCOS (Metformin & Femara, for anyone here who speaks fluent fertility), which quickly worked to conceive Master P, hasn't done it this time around. We're about to bring in bigger babymaking guns (more for the fluent: HMG shots, FSH test, IUI); this is all code for "INSERT HOPE AND DOLLAR $IGNS HERE".



There's the science end. On the fuzzy emotional end, it's . . . well, complicated.

First and foremost, it's so fitting that Miss Champagne Tastes here managed to find the expensive way to have babies, even if inadvertently - no regular ol' glass of wine and a date night here, thank you very much! Just like my innate ability to covet the most expensive handbag in a room, so goes my reproductive system. Irony aside, I am grateful we can afford the expense (and angry on behalf of those who can't, but that's another rant for a different day.)

The everyday stuff varies. I go days without thinking about this, happily bumbling along, even on the weeks when I have a bunch of lady doctor's appointments, which are just as intrusive as your annual lady doctor visits except much more so. Fun!

And then some days I open up Twitter or Facebook, see one of the seemingly endless pregnancy announcements, and suddenly want to drive my mental Trophy Wife Wagon off the side of the road. Whether it's the hormones or just normal emotions, I don't know, but on those days I just can't. I log off, I log out, I'm leveled . . . I can't.

Speaking of, most days I feel like my normal self, others I feel like that head-spinning "Exorcist" scene, wholly unable to control my mood swings despite assurances my meds aren't the crazy making kind. It's strange and a little scary not knowing when that particular sky is going to fall, not to mention second guessing my emotions - is it the meds? Normal feelings? I am Sam I am?

There are days, most days, when I enjoy spending time with my mom friends - all of whom except one are either pregnant or just had Baby #2 - and don't think about this for a second. And then there are days when I bow out of whatever social commitment, because I just can't.

There are days when I spot a pregnant sort out & about and think nothing of it, barely noting it as I might her hair color or (knowing me) her shoe choice. And then there are days when I immediately come down with a case of the "WHY HER AND NOT MEEEEEs???", as if pregnancy were some sort of zero-sum game with only a handful of babies to go around.

On other days, it's a terrible variety of "WHY ME AND NOT HERRRR???" when I pointlessly try to figure out how I got dealt this (likely genetic) card, that sort of cosmic barganining I imagine the sick of all varieties deal in.

I'm trying to take better care of myself - exercise, diet, sleep, yada yada - and be mindful about taking on additional stress or obligations. My inner Type A is deeply unhappy about this, but I'm doing my best to enjoy more down time by which I of course mean bad television.

Up and down, good and bad, ebb and flow . . . it's life, really, just a bit of life that happens to involve some needles. Not the fun type of needles that would erase my wrinkles, unfortunately, but still.

So - friends, thank you for asking. Please feel free to bring this up or not, so long as you think twice before the well-intended yet tragic phrase "Your time will come!" leaves your lips. Forgive me if I don't get to events or emails as quickly as I once did. I'm still here, just trying to make it a simpler, healthy here.

Back to the business of frilly nonsense next time, I promise. Pinky swear.

[With apologies to my late Grandmother Jean for publicly discussing (a) my ladyparts and (b) my feelings, both equally bad in her blue-shadowed eyes.]

25 comments:

Katie and Rich said...

I just want to say how very sorry I am that you have to go through this. I only started ready ing your blog a few months ago and was vaguely aware of the issues. We, too, have been down the same road (high FSH, IVF). Positive thoughts and prayers coming your way for a very quick resolution!

The Preppy Princess said...

Ah, Miss Pretty, I so wish I could give you one giant hug and chase away some of the heartache. (Not to mention the physical/psychological ups and downs.)

Please know I keep you in my thoughts and send up prayers as well. (Yes, even TP prays, heh-heh-heh!).
tp

Tippy said...

This post is why I adore you and have read your blog for years. You have a gift for sharing your point of view in writing. And you're real. And beautiful. And a fantastic mother. And it's ok to feel like crap about a crappy think that's happening to you (see? Unlike you, I am not eloquent in the least).

Hugs to you, M.

Rachel said...

Praying for you blog friend :)!!!

phiphis blog said...

i am praying for you, your ladyparts and your family. you are so strong and awesome. much love xox P

Sarah said...

Ugh sorry your ovaries are being non compliant : ( Stubborn little effers aren't they! Sending you lots of happy vibes for cooperative little eggies!

Kate said...

Sorry to hear about your ovaries : ) mine are underachieving and high matinence as well. I was blessed with a first child after a few rounds. I thought since I already had one child the journey would be easier the next time... Boy was I wrong!
I wish you the best of luck.

Ashley Paige said...

I just want to squeeze you and split a bottle or two of champs with you. That is all. Wish there was more I could do but we'll be praying for some overachieving ladyparts in the very near future. Hugs friend.

Elz said...

Hoping for the best for you all. I can't imagine how tough it is.

AEOT said...

Thanks for the update- I think about this (and pray for you) all the time (and by all the time, I mean at least 5x a week- that's about all the time this sleep deprived mommy has....). I'm sorry that the first step didn't work out and that you have to deal with further lady bit treatments. Health issues aren't fun for anyone, and I'm right there with you on the "why this person and not that person" or "why any person at all". It's amazing the crap that some people are dealt. I'm never going to pretend to understand it, so I'll just pray when I can. You are a great mommy to Master P and you will be a great mommy to 2 as well. Feel free to rant, share, or cry here whenever you need to!!!

for a different kind of girl said...

All I can say is I, too, will send positive thoughts out in the universe. I'm sorry you're having to dive deeper in, but believe there's a baby waiting to be part of your family.

Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

Because this commenting system is being a booger and not emailing some of these so I can respond directly - thank you all so much for the encouragement and good thoughts.

To paraphrase the great "Steel Magnolias" - I love you all more than my luggage. Or in my case, handbags. No, really.

Nessa said...

"Please feel free to bring this up or not, so long as you think twice before the well-intended yet tragic phrase 'Your time will come!' leaves your lips."
hear hear . . . . .well put.

Sarah said...

Uhh. Avoiding social activities where EVERYONE there is pregnant so the mere mention of ANYTHING pregnancy related sends waves of insecurity through your already over tensed on the emotional edge body. Scene familiar!

Way to put it out there- it's therapeutic writing and reading! Thinking of you!

CHAS said...

Oh Mel. My heart (and ovaries) hurt for you. I know the feeling all too well and vividly remember bowing out of so many social obligations due to the possibility of running into baby bumps / smug pregnants or tiny little bundles. Keeping you in my prayers!

TUWABVB said...

Having been one of the friends that asked about you, I cringed when I read the "your time will come" and prayed to God I wasn't that stupid when I inquired. Honestly, I have you in my heart all the time and I'm praying that you get all you want. In the meantime, I'm here if you want to talk or eat Corner Bakery salad or anything else. Sending you much love my friend.

Lisa @ Trapped In North Jersey said...

oh Mel, that stinks. I'm sorry your ladybits are not performing as requested. Wish I could say something to make you feel better. (hugs)

Carly Anne said...

Ugh. I'll say it again, the I can hang up my baby-making parts, after they produce a satisfying amount of offspring, will be a day for much champagne.

I know this crap is beyond stressful. Thinking of you.

Pam said...

We are in the same boat of having struggled with infertility and now trying to get pregnant with a second. It kind of sucks to have to worry not only about not being able to having a baby, but also about not being "offensive" or making people uncomfortable with your attitude about not being able to have a baby.

On a related note, someone in our family who knows we did a frozen embryo transfer and had a subsequent miscarriage over the summer told me I should come to their church because everybody there is pregnant and it must be in the water. Insert mental head bashing with a baseball bat.

Hope that the IUI route works quickly and (relatively) painlessly for you.

LPC said...

Speaking for the women of our tribe who said don't talk about this stuff, some times society changes for the better. Shame is retreating. I hope Master P.'s new sibling will join us in the Year of the Snake.

The Shabby Princess said...

Love you. Hate that you're going through this. You know you always have me, your still not pregnant (well, single, but, that's not the point) fellow Angophile. Here for you!

xoxo

Perfectly Imperfect said...

you know i feel you. and i heart you. it sucks girl. you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Allison said...

There are few opportunities in life that allows honesty to open the floodgates to friendship and commaraderie. Infertility is one of them. I haven't been very good at publicly sharing the road we traveled to parenthood, but props to you for being open and honest. We're a few months behind you, but we are on the road back to IVF. Here's to hoping we're both giving each other virutal hugs and high fives in the months to come.

Amy @ Forever 29 said...

Hugs, Mel. As always I'm proud of you for sharing your story...and mourning your loss of shoe budget. Praying for you!

Sarah said...

I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with this. I have so many friends who've gone through infertility and I know how difficult it can be. There's not much anyone can say, except you have our support.

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