Monday, August 6, 2012

The Kinda Sorta Maybe Baby Infertility Blog No Man's Land

***This is heavier than our usual champagne bubble fare around here. If that isn't your cup of Earl Grey, both my ladybits and I completely understand - please skip accordingly, and we'll get back to frilly fun stuff next time. Pinky swear.

Also, apologies to those of you who saw a prior version of this; I hit "publish" on this last Friday, then decided I needed a few days' distance. Sometimes it's too much reporting in from the front lines of your own disappointment. ***

I had all of the symptoms.

All of them.

Had been down this exact hopeful road before, which ended nine months later at the happy cul-de-sac of B-a-b-y Street.

I found out last week, however, I'm actually not pregnant. Not even a little bit. Again.

Why bother mentioning this when nothing about a negative pregnancy test makes me special or any different than squillions of others going through the same thing? 

For starters, it's not the news so much as having the hope before the news this time that's just un-Pretty, hitting me harder now than it has in the past when there were no such indications.

I occupy a strange, sorta-kinda-in-between place in Infertility Land (picture a magical kingdom filled with ovulation schedules and frayed nerves instead of Mickey Mouse and children and frayed nerves). I'm someone who not only has a diagnosis, which is more rare than you might think, but a fix that has not only worked but worked quickly in the past. I've got one mostly adorable wee CEO to prove it.

I'm told that I'm amongst the luckiest of the unlucky. Most of the time I know that to be true, and I thank my Maker and whoever else will or won't listen for what I do have.

As a result, though, I feel like I don't have a hall pass to talk about this. If I voice my experiences or frustrations, I risk seeming ungrateful for the child I do have, which couldn't be further from the truth. I also don't want to somehow diminish the experiences of those who haven't been able to get pregnant, or sustain a pregnancy, or have suffered longer or more treatments than I have. I don't want to be the jerk who acts like we're in the same situation; I can't pretend to know what those experiences are like.

At the same time, I can't exactly claim citizenship in "Oops, I had a glass of wine and somehow got pregnant!"-ville either (just picture the Olympic uniforms for that one, speaking of). I don't begrudge those of you who can, of course, I just, ya know . . . that's not my journey, if I may borrow hideously cliched Oprah speak. Oh, God - we've come to the Oprah speak point - can I blame the hormones?!

Today, I'm struggling to focus on the one darling boy I do have, not the sibling I want him to have. 

To speak up about this, not to complain much or make myself some sort of martyr, but in case it's helpful to anyone of you going through the same kinda sorta maybe baby thing. 

So often we hear about the happy ending, we skip to the end of the baby book, without ever hearing about the sometimes messy beginnings or middles. It's understandable - after all, to share one's efforts to procreate is to put yourself in one heck of an uncomfortable fishbowl situation (assuming people wanted to watch goldfish mate - how does that happen exactly?) - but, oh, can it ever be lonely for those of us in the hormone trenches.

Also, to not talk about the unpleasant stuff like this is to give it a further stranglehold on my life. It's against everything I was raised to believe, sharing a so-called weakness - no problem is too big for my people to ignore, particularly those involving s-e-x - but to not do so gives it a power that isn't healthy. I want my closet to hold my Tory Burch, not my life experiences. 

I have capital "F" Faith - I do - that this will work out as it should. 

And in the meantime, I will shoe shop. And, in all seriousness, I may occasionally talk about this here, or maybe on another site yet to be created, about my experiences with this too. Not all the time, or even frequently, but enough to laugh about it or just sometimes, like today, let it be. Thanks for your understanding.

Next time, I'll be back with Pretty shoes - and, hopefully, happier endings. Pinky swear.

(With thanks to reader J for encouraging me to share this.)

25 comments:

TUWABVB said...

Holding you in my heart and thoughts so much - can't help much except to say you are in my prayers. ("Yes, Annelle, I pray!"). Love to you.

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

The thing is, there is always someone who is better off and worse off than all of us. And as nice girls, we never want to offend anyone. But this is your journey. As a dear friend tells me regularly, everyone has a story. This is yours. You absolutely should share if comfortable. Sometimes just putting it out there can bring a little sense of relief.

Crossing my fingers a sibling is in your son's future soon!

KK

Lisa @ Trapped In North Jersey said...

I saw this but when I went to comment it was gone, I thought perhaps you didn't feel like sharing so I didn't say anything...but yes, that totally sucks. It took us a year apiece to conceive our older two, and I remember the monthly are-we-no-crap-we-aren't-I'll-go-cry-now-for-another-28+-days. I may have been a wee bit obsessive with the spreadsheets and charting. Hugs, fingers crossed this works out for you soon.

Rachelle said...

Although normally there is no problem a good pair of shoes can't fix, this isn't one of them. At least they can be distracting.

Bravo to your courage to share and voice your struggles. I know sometimes simply stating fears and disappointments causes them to lose some of their power and makes them manageable.

Anonymous said...

I recently found out I was pregnant with our first baby, and then I had a miscarriage. Thank you for sharing. It's nice to not feel so alone when it seems to be so "easy" for everyone else...

The Klahns said...

Thanks for sharing, and I'm glad you did - absolutely the same place I am in right now. My oldest just turned 2, and we are ready for another, and it just isn't happening. Similar diagnosis, similar everything. You feel bad complaining, but it does take a few breaths to recover from everytime you get that ONE and only pink line. Here's hoping we both have better luck next month!

Francis said...

Sorry. I know it's tough and I too felt at one point that I wasn't really allowed to be frustrated or sad-because I already had one living child and there are couples trying just to have their first one.

We had secondary infertility and I had a miscarriage before I conceived my second. I'm now going to have my third in November. It was definitely a surprise baby conceived a mere 9 months after the second. God works in mysterious ways. Best of luck. It's a tough road to go down. Especially when you look around and it seems like everyone and their grandmother is pregnant, and it comes so easy for them.

{Jessica} said...

Oh, Melissa, I'm so glad you decided to share. Life is not always pretty, though it would be nice if it was. My husband and I recently suffered a miscarriage (as in, last month). It was our first pregnancy and I am now dealing with the anxiety and fear that something is wrong with me, wondering if I will get pregnant again, and questioning whether I will ever have a healthy baby. Wonderful women and fellow bloggers reached out to me during that time, and their stories did my heart a world of good. Even though you and I aren't necessarily in the same boat, we both have a common goal and I hope that we both get to see some positive results (sooner, rather than later!) Please know that I am thinking of you, appreciate your courage for addressing this subject - which still seems taboo in a lot of ways, strangely - and will be praying that things work out well for you and the AH in the near future!:)

Annabel Manners said...

Of course it's OK to discuss these things here. Your honesty is what makes this blog so irresistibly readable! I wish you every ounce of luck and baby magic moving forward. Something tells me you'll find a way around this and soon be a proud (and chic) mother of two!

Adrienne said...

Please do talk about this! It helps to know there are others out there with the same frustration I have! Boo PCOS.

Amy @ Forever 29 said...

Oh, M. These situations make me fear I will stick my foot in my mouth so I will say this- I'll be wishin' and hopin' and prayin' for you. And also still wishing I lived down the street (in the most non-stalkerish way possible :) )

AEOT said...

Again, I'm so sorry that you are going through this, and I'm even sorrier that you actually had symptoms this time that led you to be hopeful. That's MUCH harder. Don't deny yourself the need to feel the feelings (Oprah, much?) or discuss them as publicly as you want. It's nice to have support and to know that others are praying for you, even if they aren't exactly in the same situation. Just because you aren't in the "worst" category of infertility doesn't mean that your journey isn't frustrating and painful. Master P will get a sib, I'll pray for sooner rather than later and healthy and cute too!!

Jessica said...

Glad you posted. :) You're not alone. Absolutely the best of luck to you this next time around.

JMS said...

I'm with everyone else! Thanks for sharing!

Eat. Live. Laugh. and sometimes shop! said...

So glad you posted as well. I think the conversation is healthy for everyone -- even those who only needed a good bottle of wine.

I've been in the trenches as well, albeit different trenches as you note. Every situation is different, no doubt. But the fact that you have a child does not make it less painful for YOU. It is not greedy to want your body to do as you've always believed it would do. It is disappointing. Allow yourself that without exception.

I'm so sorry for this disappointed. But no matter what, don't lose your faith. It will carry you through this and more.

International Woman of Mystery said...

Dear Pretty, I empathize with the large closet stuffed full of emotions that must-not-be-discussed. Whether it is this issue or any other, releasing it out in the open does tend to lower the anxiety around whatever we feel the need to keep behind close doors. Opening up those emotions to other people who have had similar experiences can give us something that is hard to gain on our own - a sense of perspective. And maybe a smile or two. XX

The Shabby Princess said...

Oh darling. I love you so much. And I know what a hard road this is and of course, as your friend I am 100% here in your cheering section rooting you on as you shoe shop and find the strength to get through the hard times--which, I know you will. And your Wee CEO is darling and I know you are so happy to have him and I know he will have a wee sibling someday. But, until then, cling to him, to your Mr, to our Tory, and to us, we love you.

xoxo

Belle on Heels said...

Invisible Internet Friend hug, coming your way.

Xx.

Perfectly Imperfect said...

I think you're brave in sharing this, as I think all women in varying degrees of the infertility spectrum are when they share their stories. I feel like it doesn't matter if you have zero or five kids, when your heart hurts because you're going through something like this, you are justified in feeling it. It does not make you a bad person to be frustrated with your body over this. It doesn't make you ungrateful either since you have the little one. Don't ever feel like you shouldn't be feeling this.

All that to say, you're in my prayers and in my heart. Hugs lady.

Nat said...

Sending virtual hugs! You are not alone in this, so many people can relate, as you know I am currently child-less but I am in the trying-for-a-baby stage and it's not as easy as I thought it would be! I don't really talk about this openly with many people but if I have to hear one more friend get accidentally pregnant or pregnant on their 1st month of trying I'm going to scream!

Trish {Pink Preppy Lilly Lover} said...

I think you are amazing, and am sending soft sweet hugs to you Melissa xxooxo

Samma said...

Thinking of you, dearheart. I know it is hard to share such things with the world, but I am glad you did. xoxo

Kate said...

You are so brave to share this. I really think it's important to discuss these topics because it can be so lonely and difficult. From reading the other comments you are not alone and just sharing your story with others is helpful! My sister struggled to get pregnant with Baby Nautical due to a medical issue and I know she is already anxious about when they start trying for number two. Keeping your family in my thoughts!

Karen Jacobs said...

Your so breave and REAL for sharing. THIS is part of your story and as you say have Faith with a capital F.

The Preppy Princess said...

Thank you for sharing this. It doesn't ameliorate the heartbreak, hopefully at least intellectually it helps to know the love and support that so many of us have for you. I send to you many hugs and prayers.
tp

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