Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Just When You Thought It Was Safe :: Guest Post By AP

Hello, there! I'm AP, mommy and blogger extraordinaire over at I Love You More Than Carrots. Notice how the extraordinaire was strategically placed after "blogger?" There's a reason for that. 

I want to take a minute to express my sheer congratulations to the Smug Married Pair as they take off gallivanting through the beautiful city of Charleston, drinking their Smug Albeit Pretty Little Married Faces off. And by "sheer congratulations," I obviously meant that I am just head-over-heels green with envy. 

Today I chose to write about a few one of the many times that Motherhood has truly just downright kicked me in the rear. You see, if you were reading my blog, I would have said a**. Hands down. But? I'm here to try and make a nice impression on you fine and fabulous readers of I Pick Pretty and in doing so, I'll keep the defacement to a minimum. 

Just when you thought it was safe to say that you've finally mastered the art of Motherhood, your toddler goes and does one or more! or all! of the following. Thus otherwise proving to you, that you in fact, have absolutely no idea what you are doing. Even after fifteen months

Just when you thought it was safe to say that you've finally mastered the art of Motherhood, your fifteen month old, while in Rare Toddler Form, takes off running up and down the family room sectional, an act that you have forebode many a time, culminating in an impromptu swan dive off of the rear arm landing right smack on his noggin. With a side of temple-to-cheek rug burn to boot. 

Motherhood = 1. AP = 0. 

Just when you thought it was safe to say that you've finally beat Motherhood into some sense of submission, your 15 month nabs your Breakfast Dr. Pepper on the sly (no judgies) and takes off running with it into the kitchen. Only then does he proceed to spill the entire can of said Breakfast Dr. Pepper topping the whole disastrous situation off by laying down in the middle of the puddle trying to lick up his mess. Mothering at it's finest, Pretties

Motherhood = 2. AP = 0. 

Just when you thought it was safe to say, "I kicked Motherhood's Ass Tush!" Daylight Saving Time rolls around and royally screws up the months of sleep scheduling you've worked so hard on with your Crazy Wildebeest Toddler, thus rendering them asleep at 6pm and wide awake shouting your name at 5:30 in the morning. I always thought hearing my child lovingly say my name would bring tears to my eyes, but at dark o' clock in the morning, friends? It makes me want to choke myself with my Yuppy Tempurpedic sleep mask. 

Motherhood = 3. AP = 0. 

And lastly, just when you thought you had this whole Motherhood thing figured out, your toddler decides its time to cut not one, not two, but three of his molars all at the same time. Do you know what this means? Frankly, there is not enough Children's Motrin and Ketel One this side of the Mason Dixon line to survive Molar Teething. For clarification, the Motrin is for the toddler. The Ketel One for his sanity-hemorrhaging, grey-hair sporting, weary-apparent Mother. 

Pretties, Mothering is not for the weak. Motherhood = 4. AP = 0. 

Happy Anniversary Getaway, Smug Married Loves. Thanks for letting me hijack your slice of the Internet for a day! It's been real and it's been fun- now hurry up and return to Reality, wouldya? Happy Wednesday!


Shannon Dew said...

All too often to I think "AHA mothering, I told you!" and then she comes back to bitch slap me and set me back 15 months {before baby days}. To which I say, "Eff you, I'll show you one day!" and hope we get there sooner rather than later.

Cheryl E. said...

Oh wow this post rings so true. Just when I think I got it all down then he throws a wrench into my plans. Oh gotta love motherhood. :)Great post as always AP :)

Lindsey said...

Fabulous post, as always! You somehow are totally in my head...I had something similar to post this week (saved and all)...I think my motherhood to Lindsey score is something like 873439 to 0. lol

Erin said...

AP, you are really making me look forward to this whole toddlerhood thing...or NOT! Goodness, I'm still not sure why they don't hand you a guidebook to motherhood as they wheel you out of the hospital.

Melissa, hope y'all have a wonderful time! Getaways to Charleston are always amazing!

Suze said...

I'm with you on all counts AP...they have all happened to me...that daylight savings time thing last weekend KILLED me...I worked the night are too funny!

Kodi said... gets better. M will be two next week. TERRIBLE TERRIBLES around here. Eek. LUCKILY he's awfully dang cute.

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