Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Smug Married Judges - Joint Social Media Accounts

Just like I was a perfect parent before I was an actual one, I had the Smug Married thing all figured out before I was actually married. Not to talk about m-o-n-e-y or worse, m-a-t-h, but I figured the equation of (Shared Bank Accounts + Shared Home + Shared Religious Beliefs) + (Spouse Not to Be Shared With Others) + (One Credit Card of My Very Own to Buy Shoes With) = Marital Harmony, more or less.

Of course, I now realize that there isn't one right answer to how people go about the business of being happily partnered. Though I'm occasionally tempted, I try not to judge those who go about the Smug Married business differently than the Anonymous Husband & me. Yes, really.

That being said, I did recently run across one thing that activated my Smug Married Smirk of Judgment - the joint marital email account. Yesterday I spent no less than fifteen minutes attempting to identify the sender of an email giving me detailed instructions about a new volunteer thingy - clearly I'd met this person, but when? Who was she - or he? By whom would my reply email be read? Most importantly - here comes the ugly Smirk - this person was clever enough to get online and send an email, but not so to establish their very own account? This only got me thinking more about the few joint Facebook accounts I've noticed, and I remain . . . confused.

[Imagine Smug Married Look of Judgment in lieu of post photo here; I apologize for the lack of visual splendor here today.]

Let me rush to state the obvious - yes, I'm somewhat traditional in many aspects, marriage included. I took my husband's last name without much consternation, and of course I'm happily home raising Master P and making a mess of this homemaker stuff. That being said, it would no more occur to me to share an email or Facebook account, or share my passwords for the same, with the AH than my wearing a fanny pack in public would.

One of my favorite aspects of this Smug Married gig is the trust factor. Call me naive, but I like being treated as someone who can be trusted to have some privacy, email included, and I believe/ sincerely hope I've married someone worthy of that respect too. I don't want to get into the business of monitoring his communications - why bother marrying someone when that is even a question? The AH & I are united as one, according to the tenets of our religion, yet we're two separate people too.

Should there come a time in which my Spouse Not to be Shared With Others theory is called into question, for example, I imagine the AH & I would quickly revisit this separate accounts thing. For now, however, surely building in some space to trust one another is a healthy thing - for us, at any rate.

In my dotage, I now try to ask the question, "Maybe I'm the weirdo here?" when I find myself in these Smirk of Judgment types of situations - so, am I the weirdo here for believing in individual online accounts? Is there a comfort in sharing accounts or passwords I'm overlooking? A generational thing?

16 comments:

AEOT said...

B knows my email password as he's had to login to get something once or twice when I was "off the grid", but he doesn't ever use it, EVER, without me telling him to. That would be weird. And we certainly don't share FB accounts. I know a few people who do this and I agree, get your own, peeps. Why wouldn't you? I don't want to be friends with people B knew from HS that I could care less about (and certainly post WAY too much), and I don't want to see his emails from the very same people. I do think you should always know your spouses passwords to all bank/retirement/credit card accounts in case the unthinkable happens and you need them in an emergency. I don't think you need to memorize them (or even check them), but I do think they should all be written down in a safe somewhere.

Huddyma said...

NEVER would I ever share a facebook or email account with my hubs. It freaks me the h*ll out. Apologies to anyone this offends, but I can't imagine!

Mrs. Smith said...

Nope, you're totally right. We share money, but we don't share an email account. I think he has my password, but only because I've asked him to login for me and check something a time or two. Odds are good, though, he's forgotten it. As for sharing a Facebook, that's complete nonsense.

Mrs. Smith said...

Nope, you're totally right. We share money, but we don't share an email account. I think he has my password, but only because I've asked him to login for me and check something a time or two. Odds are good, though, he's forgotten it. As for sharing a Facebook, that's complete nonsense.

*jcg said...

what the heck is wrong with people? there is an abundance of free email accounts and social networks out there. what could possibly be the benefit of sharing an account?

Kate said...

The only way a joint email account makes sense is if it belongs to someone married in 1990 when email was invented. Otherwise, what is the point? It is just as easy to forward or cc emails that are directed at couples, and Facebook simply wasn't intended for joint accounts. I believe in the more the merrier as far as social networking accounts go.

Princess Freckles said...

Firstly, I had a facebook account in early 2004 when one still required a "dot edu" email address. When I met my now husband, he didn't have facebook yet because he wasn't in college anymore. Secondly, I remember when married couples shared email in the early 90s because maybe the husband only had email at work or something. However, once AOL hot, everyone got their own, right?

I not only trust my husband, but I think it's healthy to have some personal space. We are happily married, but also independent in many ways, even beyond email and facebook. I just don't understand why anyone would want to share. even if trust were broken, I'm not your mother. I don't need or want to have to check up on you. I want my husband to be honest, if he isn't, checking his email won't change that. Also, how on earth can he plan any surprise trips or gifts or dinners if I get his emails?!?!?

for a different kind of girl said...

We have our own email accounts, which is good, because my husband plays a bunch of junk games on Facebook, and I think that generates a ton of email I don't want to weed through. However, he has a tendency to forward me every email he gets that he thinks I should have, too, not realizing I'm already getting them, too.

Now, if I could just get him to buy gifts for me without using our joint accounts so I know what to expect before delicately opening the thoughtful gift bag... :)

cMe said...

Oh NOOO, I'm one of those people you talk about. Except my email isn't shared, even though it is ourlastname@gmail. I set it up for wedding stuff and started using it for blogging because I didn't want things coming to my work email or my very own email (which I no longer use). Not sure if he knows the password or thinks to check it or not. I do not get the shared Facebook accounts. At all.

Legally Fabulous said...

omg no. that is SO WEIRD. and just wrong.

Beach Bum & Baby said...

Ugh I have a friend that has a joint facebook account and I HATE it. I don't want to talk to her hubs about baby stuff. I want to talk to her - WTF?

And JD and I have our own email accounts and then a joint "family" one - we get some bills emailed there, send pictures of trey to random family peeps, club newsletters, little gym info, stuff like that. I would never email my girlfriends from it.

What is wrong with people?

And yes, I still have my *own* bank account even though I no longer have a *job* (you know what I mean...) it's just easier that way. He doesn't need to know about that $43 at Ulta today... oops! :)

SushiMama said...

We're fans of the yours, mine, and ours, in both email accounts and banking accounts. We each have our ow personal email accounts, and personal bank accounts (for our fun money), but also have a joint email various people use when they want to get ahold of both of us- relatives, church groups we belong to, etc, and a joint bank account for bills, joint expenditures, etc.

Works for us!

THE Stephanie said...

Could not agree more. I have a dear friend who shares an email with her husband and it's quite annoying.

I doubt I'd want her hubs reading our correspondence. Not b/c it's inappropriate, but b/c it's a private conversation.

People need space. LOL

The Preppy Princess said...

The first sound out of my mouth at seeing the words "shared Facebook account" was 'ewww!' We both know each others' passwords, but never log in unless it's crisis, like administration stuff with TPP or WKW pages (which actually happened this week), otherwise nay-nay.

Great topic Miss Pretty,
tp

Brandi said...

I HATE the joint facebook account and email! It reeks of distrust!

Perfectly Imperfect said...

The joint account is weird. And I judge the joint FB account like a mad person. I think it's a sign of zero trust in a relationship. Maybe that's just me. Hubs has my password I'm sure as I've had him log on before, but we just don't log on to each others. You just don't. Everybody needs some space.

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