Thursday, May 5, 2011

Important, Special Note to Gwyneth Paltrow

Pretty Headquarters
10 Malevolence Manor
Principality of Monaco, via Austin, Texas

May 6, 2011
(Insert Imaginary British Title Here) Gwyneth Paltrow
123 Pretension Place
United Kingdom

Dear Madame GOOP:

Heaven - and our hairdresser - knows We love us an icy blonde here at the Pretty. Plus, any Anglophile worth her well-worn Austen novels has faked a British accent every now and again, so we'll hardly fault you for that. And my hat (a frilly fascinator, obvs.) is off to the working moms like you who appear to effortlessly manage many jobs both inside & outside the home in your case, presumably assisted by a mid-size cadre of nannies who seem to never get mentioned. 

As part of your apparent quest for global domination, you've appeared not only on our movie & television screens, but on our radios *and* in our inboxes *and* in our kitchens *and* on our bookshelves too. This might all be borne as the natural megalomania of an entitled blonde - takes one to know one, after all. However, your most recent foray into our handbags, as I first learned via Invisible Internet Friends the Preppy Princess and Tippy L, as brand representative for the omnipresent Coach handbags no less, is perhaps a step too far.

You're so able to be everywhere, doing everything, that were you starring as the inevitable chilly blonde in the latest Hitchcock mystery, that film might well be titled, "The Woman Who Was Everywhere." The same might be said of the unavoidable Coach brand, once an hallmark of classic simplicity, now an ode to the be-logoed stuff of nightmares and your Aunt Myrtle from Duluth. In that unavoidable aspect - quite literally, in that neither you nor those purses can be evaded - you might be a perfect match.

Enviable, everywhere... (Photo Credit: Getty Wire Image)
Any Hitchcock blonde knows, however, that a little mystery never hurt anyone. Perhaps a six month stint on the exotic isle of Far, Far Away is a good idea, no? Take a page from your fellow royals - we don't see Catherine Zeta-Jones or Kate / Catherine / Duchess of Cambridge on daily multi-media assault, do we? Rather, just recently they're scurried off to rehab or even Wales to avoid the fray, and it only enhances their (admittedly brunette) appeal. Supply & demand, darling.

There are so-called "People's Princesses" for whom regular public presence is a virtue via their good works - the late Diana and her charitable works, for example, or Betty White by mere virtue of being Betty White. You, dear GOOP, of acting and rock star royalty, are not one of the common folk, however, nor should you pretend to be via alliance with an all-too common handbag line. To pretend you're One of Us is disingenuous at best, though polite golf claps to you for thinking it even mildly possible. Adorable, really. 

To conclude - though this latest collaboration of yours might line your pockets, that particular shade of green isn't the most flattering color on an icy blonde, is it? We aspiring Brits must stick together, after all, and we - ahem, We - may as well look good, or "posh", rather - doing it.

Yours in blonde ambition,

Legallyblondemel, Pretty HQ


Belle on Heels said...

preach on, sister. i love me some gwynnie, but overexposure never made anyone chic-er.

Andrea said...

Love it! I'm def on GOOP overload. It's hard for me to enjoy her anymore since she is slowly taking over the world.

Miss Type-A said...

seriously, she is driving me crazy! when I saw her on Regis and Kelly promoting a cook book I had finally had enough.

Ouiser Boudreaux said...

Giggled through this post and I couldn't agree with you more, natch! GP what are you thinking?? First Good Housekeeping cover in that wretched purple turtleneck now this? You are making it very hard for me to look up to you!

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