Confused? Longtime Invisible Internet Friend, the Brunette Foodie, sent me the link to an excellent post listing the things people tend to assume about babies before actually giving birth to one. Because no one - Pretty certainly included - is an expert parent quite like someone not yet or not ever to be a parent.
I giggled merrily as I read that list - until I realized just how many assumptions I myself had made before Master P's arrival. I may be Prettier Than Everyone Else, but I've realized I'm no more an expert on this parenting business than Octomom or Octomel or any other Octo-parent-of-eight-or-(hopefully)-less out there. Humility comes in a newborn-sized onesie, it turns out.
Lest my shame spiral of Mom Guilt about these assumptions pull me under, I'm spewing them out here in hopes of saving one of you aspiring Smug Mummies from laboring under the same, ridiculous apprehensions. And so I give you . . .
Pretty's Top Five Ridiculous Parenting Assumptions PB (Pre-Baby) of Which I Am Now Deeply Ashamed and Refute Entirely:
5) Co-Sleeping is only for hippies: Or, as it turns out, for parents who actually want to get some sleep, some of which are my most J. Crew wearing, Junior Leaguing, Republican-est sorts of friends you'd ever hope (or not) to meet.
Or also the AH & me, who tried it when the wee precious newborn Master P refused to sleep anywhere upon coming home from the hospital. Turns out he wanted to sleep in the Magic Swing and not in our bed or anywhere else EVER, ahem, but, as Brooks Brothers is my witness, we tried us some dirty hippie co-sleeping before discovering that.
Moral of the story = when it comes to newborn sleep, all of us mistakenly start out believing baby will sleep where we want him/her to. Eventually, we do as the hippies (and, secretly, any number of country clubbing yuppies) do and overcome injustice (insomnia) By Any Means Possible.
4) Breastfeeding is Easy, and Only Lazy People Don't Do It: I'm particularly awash in Mom Guilt about my Gisele-ism given how, as I talked about in detail here, Master P & I never quite got the hang of nursing and, after limping along with it for six months, finally quit. I truly thought you just held up baby to the, uh, relevant area, and, ta-da! (ta-ta!), a minute or two later, baby is fed & content. Yeah.
I don't want to horrify the prospective MILFs out there about this, but suffice to say - get thee to a nursing class, with your significant other, when your pregnancy time comes. If you decide to nurse, that is. I've kvetched about this before, but it bears repeating - despite what the Boob Brigade will tell you, nursing is a choice - one I'm quite happy I made due to the health benefits to baby & hope to try again, but still - choice choice choicity choice choice nanny nanny boo boo.
3) Because I've always wanted to be a mother I will magically know how to do baby stuff (whatever that is): Cue to my frantic Googling at 2 am about how to survive sleep strikes, or frantic phone calls to mom friends about ohmigodwhywonthetakeanapalready.
Frankly, there are days when I feel paralyzed by the number of small decisions I now make - do I wake Master P from his nap to keep him on schedule? Am I feeding him enough? Is he sleeping enough?Are there green eggs & ham? Am I Sam I am?
2) Only lazy mothers leave the house in bedclothes or sweats: I kid you not, I pictured myself leaving the house with my (perfectly well-behaved, natch) newborn, speeding off to the market in the Trophy Wife Wagon, and emerging looking along the lines of this:
|Photo Credit: Daily Mail / Inspiration Credit: Postpartum Insanity|
Yeah, so the difference between this Real Housewife & the one pictured is one head of spectacular hair
1) I will want to spend every waking moment with baby: I've learned there is a difference between adoring your baby every waking moment, more than you ever thought possible, and wanting him by your side for the same. A trip to the restroom, for example, is a time when that subtle yet important distinction comes into play - or I wish it would, rather.
Any seasoned moms out there willing to admit your pre-baby assumptions - once you've lowered the Eyebrow of Judgment at mine, that is?