Revenge is a Dish Best Served Baked

Please do not be alarmed by the recipe below. I assure you that I have not fallen prey to any latent Martha, homemaker-y tendencies; rather, this rare display of domesticity is motivated wholly by spiteful revenge, a language I speak far more fluently.

Once upon a time - i.e., last Tuesday morning - I ambled into my local Starbucks for my usual decaf latte and breakfast craving du week - some banana chocolate chip dessert-masquerading-as-breakfast thingy. Upon placing my order, I encountered not the usual chirpy compliance, but the following (via my Twitter feed):

Fear not, fearless readers - despite the early morning hour, I summoned my best patented Icy Glare and mocked Miss Snooty Fat Counter McJudgypants to the best of my decaffeinated ability.* Duly shamed, the barista then backpeddled faster than John Edwards faced with a paternity suit, and I triumphantly departed said coffee shop with both a free drink and dignity (if not my waistline) intact.

*Sure, I could have given her the benefit of the doubt & listened to the ensuing excuses, but that's boring. Thank you for understanding.

And so it was that I grew determined not to further line the pockets of the Starbucks of Judgment, but learn to bake my craving du jour myself. I bring you, as purloined straight from the e-pages of Epicurious here, what I like to call "Pretty's Full-Fat, To Hell with Them, Guaranteed To Piss Off Judgmental Bitches Banana Chocolate Chip Bread of Revenge":

Ingredients

- 1 1/2 cups all purpose flour

- 1 tsp baking soda

- 1 tsp baking powder

- 1/4 teaspoon salt

- 3/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips (Pretty Note: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd consider reducing this to 1/2 cup; I did a heaping 3/4 cup, and it slightly overwhelmed the banana taste)

- 3/4 cup walnuts, toasted, chopped (PN: I skipped this & will not next time; need to walnuts to cut the sweetness of the chocolate)

- 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature

- 1 cup sugar

- 2 large eggs

- 1 cup mashed ripe bananas (PN: I did 4 medium bananas, approx. 1 1/4 cups, for moistness & recommend this amount)

- 2 tbsp fresh lemon juice

- 1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

Preparation

- Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter & flour 9 x 5 x 2 1/2 in. metal loaf pan. Whisk first four ingredients in medium bowl to blend. Combine chocolate chips and walnuts in small bowl; add 1 tbsp flour mixture and toss to coat.

- Beat butter in large bowl / mixer until fluffy. Gradually add sugar, beating until well blended. Beat in eggs one at a time. Beat in mashed bananas, lemon juice, and vanilla extract. Beat in flour mixture. Spoon 1/3 of batter into prepared pan. Sprinkle with half of chips/nut mixture. Spoon 1/3 of batter over mixture. Sprinkle with remaining chips/ nut mixture. Cover with remaining batter. Run knife through batter in zigzag pattern.

- Bake bread until tester inserted into center comes out clean & top appears golden brown, about 1 hour (Pretty Note: Due to my wonky oven, I did it at 375 for approx. 45 minutes, which worked well). Let cool a bit, then turn onto rack & cool further.

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Not the Prettiest bread you've ever seen, but wait until you try it . . .

Verdict: Guaranteed to strike fear into the hearts of sanctimonious baristas everywhere - this is cellulite on a plate, and worth every bite. Again, I'd slightly reduce the chocolate chips & be sure to add the walnuts; as is, it's a bit too rich to be called a breakfast dish, even for this confirmed sweets hound, but would be a delicious dessert.

Any other judgmental trollops we can defeat via the power of baking? Beware the cranky pregnant lady armed with a Kitchenaid . . .