*As in, my first time shopping for something, not purchasing actual virgins. This isn't some crap Liam Ne*eson flick. Mmm, Liam Ne*eson ...
If you'll forgive me the unholy Smug Married / Mothery mashup here, please raise your hand if you current or former brides recall your first time visiting a snooty bridal boutique. You know the kind - as soon as you cross that dimly lit, overpriced threshold, all eyes dart to your left hand, in some bizzaro, bridal world secret handshake evaluation. Once the sales staff - who inevitably fall into two categories:
(1) teenage whippet who is no more capable of understanding your desire to find a hip-flattering gown than she is of explaining Leighton M*eester's singing career; and
(2) middle-aged harpy spackled with generous amounts of Mary Kay and judgment
- assess that you are both engaged and of a carat $$$ize worthy of entrance, one of them may descend upon you in a heated sales pitch. If, however, you somehow fail this Secret Carat Test, you are left to roam those intimidating isles of tulle and lace alone, questioning whether you are actually engaged in the first place.
It having been a few years since my last specialty boutique foray, I blithely sauntered into the maternity store, only to encounter an entirely non-pregnant, possible pre-adolescent employee and yet another secret handshake Look of Judgment, this one including assessment of both carat $$$ize and the size of my baby bump (still wee, for those keeping track). While I imagine that last evaluation marks also some form of self-preservation - how many of us (I) have learned the hard way not to assume someone is pregnant, unless you're 100% certain? - I evidently had failed the invisible exam, as said Teenage Whippet proceeded to ignore me entirely and assist the other, more obviously knocked-up clientele.
As I finally slunk up to the counter with my purchase - as much as I hate to give money to these snooty boutiques, so often they're the only source in town for whatever unguent or bauble I absolutely need - I comforted myself by observing with no small amount of pettiness that the Teenage Whippet, slim and painfully stylish as she might be, also had a case of adolescent acne. Because I may rapidly be losing my waistline and my memory, but By God at least I'm no longer in high school.
More from behind the enemy, estrogen-soaked lines as I learn it . . .
13 comments:
Your two categories are deliciously spot on! You just sent shivers of recollection down my small town shopping spine!
Two women from the middle-aged category totally made me cry at one of those boutiques. You are much better equipped at handling this specimen. Do share your secret.
You are simply hilarious! You always have the cutest stories.
I honestly think this blog needs to become a book! You are so funny the way to describe your stories. And I do remember the carat test at the bridal boutiques...so lame.
I don't understand why some people just do not understand etiquette. Horrible. Hope you have better experiences soon.
You seriously crack me up!
Too funny! I think we must be about the same amount along because I, too, am in that terrible stage of not being able to fit into anything. From past experience let me tell you that you should just buy a size bigger for now-- you'll be able to use these in-the-middle pieces for after delivery as well, when you want nothing to do with maternity wear but are still waiting for your body to return to it's toned self.
You are so spot-on about the carat test!!!!!
I walked out the first time I walked into one of these.... So freakin' intimidated. Too bad I had to suck it up eventually to get some jeans. Boo.
LOL Oh I have so been there. You just have to hope acne sales girl was on commission and is now kicking her self for being miss judgy!
Love loved reading through your blog!
As I have not crossed into the mommy boutique world yet, I can tell you that I failed the $$carat test whilst wedding gown shopping. Fiasco if I've ever seen one I tell you. To this day, I watch 'Say Yes To The Dress' and almost tear up because I want a DO OVER on that portion of my wedding. Woe is me. I am nothing if not dramatic, you know this.
I hope that after all that you found some fabulous mommy to be wear--but, I'm sure you did. Because, it is, after all--you :)
I think you should take a (fake) bottle of champagne with you next time and sip from it as you are shopping. That would be an AWESOME blog post.
Wow, have I been there lady! I always want to say...you work on commission right? Big Mistake. Huge. I have to go shopping now.
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