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"I just want to spend more time with couples who have kids," complained an acquaintance of mine recently - this after the (kid-free) Anonymous Husband and I had driven no short distance to spend time with her and her husband.
The thing is, I understood where she's coming from (once I recovered from the social gaffe, that is).
Once upon a playground, our friends were simply that - the people we liked, who all fell under one happy circus tent labeled "friend". We didn't categorize "the swingset friends" or the "Cabbage Patch- appreciative friends" as discrete entities, with never the twain shall meet. It could be the champagne has fizzled my memory, but looking back, I'm struck with just how much easier it was to distinguish the Good Guys (Gals) vs. the bullies, and that was the only pertinent distinction.
Of course, as we get older things get logistically sticky - if we're lucky, we figure out the stuff we like (and meet "friends I like to argue with"), pick a job accordingly ("law school friends"), and pair off ("couples friends"), but none of this figuring out comes with a translation guide to friendships that try to transcend those artificial lines. Woe unto the person (ie, me) who throws a party with all of the above friends & expects social magic to commence.
Instead, when it comes to making new friends in this post-sandbox era, I find myself inexplicably wanting to meet people who have checked the same life boxes - partnered up? check. professional? check. wants kids? check - without understanding why. Is it to somehow justify the life decisions I've made? Or is it also, as I suspect, more a matter of practicality? The moms I meet can't just meet for a last-minute happy hour, and I'm not yet interested in playdates unless they involve David Beckham and, well, no one else.*
*Love you, AH!
These invisible boundaries don't apply so much to those lifelong friends. In my set, we're all ambling around various stages of singledom or motherhood, etc., and it hasn't affected our closeness. Rather, it's with the newbies - the friend dating stage of life I'm now in - where I'm finding it a challenge, from both sides of the issues.
What does your side of the sandbox look like? Do you think this is a natural, good thing, or do you miss the earlier, simpler days?
20 Comments:
Friends in categories are tough and so tough to mash together well. In my set we all have kids of varying ages now so I have to deal with that and now were into the meshing hubbies or no hubbies/divorce stages. It gets very complicated. I too long for simpler times.
I agree, tough to categorize since so many of us fall into different categories. I've noticed that, for example, people at work with children tend to do things with other people with children. Also years ago when I split up with an ex, the couple that we had done many things with did not want anything to do with me any longer! And she was my friend first! crazy, right?!
I think I'm the opposite, as I get older its been easier for me to make and hold on to friends. The insecurities of my childhood and teen years long behind me I am less quiet in social settings, and have started to open up and reach out to build friendships in new ways.
I do however, think it is only natural to pair up as friends with people who have common life experiences and interests, and of course that gets difficult and challenging as you experience more life and your interests change.
I do not have kids and at this point it doesn't look like we will. In my early thirties, I did go through a period where a couple of friends from life before who then had kids drifted away. Now, that I am 40 I have a wide range of friends, some don't have kids and won't, a couple have young children and the rest have older kids or those that are grown. I think the older you get the more it doesn't matter and the easier it is to find some women friends who are even 10 plus years your senior. You are just in an awkward phase. I've been there and there were times when it wasn't fun. But, believe me it does get better.
MDH and I do have a lot of friends who are in the same place as us, married and waiting to have kids.
The biggest difference I've noticed is that there's a huge gap in who I socialize with. There's a line between my "adult friends" and the friends who still behave like they're in college.
Single, coupled, whatever...if you fall into our "adult" category we are in contact and see each other on a regular basis. If you aren't there, we tend not to socialize with you. It's not that we don't like them, it's just that they tend to be more dramatic and make bigger deals out of the smaller stuff.
xoxo!
totes agree. My best friend in the world is single and so it my other best friend in the usa. But I'm drawn to hang out with the newlyweds down the street. More relatable I guess?
I dislike the notion of compartmentalizing my friends but the reality is we do get together most often with married with kids (MWK) friends. We do have a lot of married no kids friends (MNK) and single friends (S) too. I think both husband and I put out extra effort to hang out with our S and MNK friends since we like having a wide circle where you talk about things other than kids, which you just can't help but doing around your MWK friends.
But it really is terribly rude and tacky to cut out people from your life simple because they don't "match" you.
The issue doesn't get any easier as you get older. My daughter is grown but I have friends my age with small and teenage kids. I do tend to hang more with couples who are now empty-nesters.
All of our friends have kids so that makes it easy - some are grown and married and some are toddlers but everyone understands. We do prefer to socialize with couples tho - I know too many women who are married to men who wont go to anything unless it involves their own friends. So yes, I do prefer to be friends with people just like me!
Such a sweet post. I know how you feel. For the most part I have been able to keep great relationships with my girlfriends over the last 10 years, though I will admit I tend to flock to the ones who were in a similar life phase to me. My best friend is married with a newborn, and I'm sure she would love to have other momma friends to relate to.
The hardest part for me is that since I've met the man I'm fairly confident is "my person", I feel left out of the smug married circle for the first time. Before meeting Steve I never felt left out of the club, I was just the fun single one and I got a kick out of letting them live vicariously through my tragic dating/clubbing/general poor decision making. Now that we're playing house... I feel like I'm not on the same level for some reason. I think maybe I'm just really ready to be married.
The thing is, after you have gone through life and lived most of those checked boxes, then your sandbox goes back a lot to those very early years, with lots of diversity. Not sure why, just seems to be the case
For me, I really adore having friends in different stages than the one I'm in. My dearest friends are a mix of moms, women who've chosen not to have kids, newlyweds, and single gals. I think that range keeps me grounded about the breadth of experience out there, and also makes sure I'm never bored - or more importantly, boring. :-)
I have friends in all stages of life and I love it that. Diversity spices things up! Although, I have to admit..I would love to have more friends with kids the dude's age, so our bambinos could entertain each other while we sipped lattes or bubbly depending on the time of day. Ah ha.
I totally know what you mean...I am constantly wishing we had more couple friends WITHOUT children YET. And I wish I had more girlfriends without kids. My closest friend here has two little kids, and I want to have a bff here with a more open social schedule. :)
We all have different interests, hobbies, ideas,.....
So the different-catagory-friends are always been my thang too!
I could not imagine certain ones meeting! Disaster!
Good post :)
I definitely see this happening. It seems to be natural and likely due to being able to easily relate with "newbie" friends or potential friends. You have similar experiences to talk about. But is definitely good to try to break out of that and keep open to those other "types" or those in different life stages.
I think the thing is not to get too mad about it. We all have only so much capability and it gets used up.
My side looks the exact same as yours...except we haven't found anyone really yet. All my work friends are single/ wild and coupled or pregnant/ overrun with small kids and too busy to go out.
I know exactly what you mean. Now that Husby and I are moving, we're going to be looking for some new friends to add to our collection and we definitely have our "ideal" criteria in mind for those people. I'm only hoping we fit their criteria as well :)
Gosh, I couldn't have summed up this awkward point in my life any better if I said it myself.
I will say this however - I suspect that people that am friends with will like each other because there must be something in common with all of them, right? What's that? Why yes, my glasses are rose-colored. :)
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