***
They - you know, that mysterious "they" - say you should keep a marriage spontaneous in order to keep the interest going. However, in my near 3 - yes, almost THREE years, clearly approaching varsity team status! - years of Smug Marriage, I've determined that certain things just work better with a system.
Take, for example, the business of breaking potentially controversial news to your partner*. We've explored these murky waters previously, including this misadventure, but never have we plunged our Wellies (pink, of course) into the actual muck of how to broach these indelicate subjects.** This is exactly the sort of thing where all that relationship spontaneity we're supposed to be getting up to can simply wreck the conversation.
*Or can I just say spouse? Significant other? Can anyone suggest a generic term for this that doesn't make me spiritually barf just a little and/or set the PC Police into a lather?
**And yes, by "broach indelicate subjects" I do mean "covertly convince your spouse /boyfriend /partner type to do exactly as you suggest"
Of course, I recommend that you all assess which system works best for your spousely-type person; my carefully honed unpleasant and/or controversial news delivery system is as follows:
Step 1: Meet the Anonymous Husband out for a drink;
Step 2: Order round of drinks #1;
Step 3: Order drink #2 for the AH;
Step 4: Assess level of AH chattiness and general demeanor;
Step 5: Slip in unpleasant and/or controversial news in the most calm voice I can muster;
Step 6: Quickly follow up step #5 with another drinks order.
Alas, this system is not guaranteed to have a felicitous outcome, but my extensive, highly scientific research has shown this gives a heightened chance of success. Besides, if my system doesn't work, at least you've both had a few drinks to lessen the blow. Not to toot my own horn - except if I don't, who the Hell else will? - in the immortal words of a certain Miss Elle Woods, I find this to be ". . . a completely brilliant plan".
What's your system? Or are you a fan of the spontaneous approach?
31 comments:
Ooohhh... I've never thought of a system, I'm more of a direct approach kind of person, and certainly if I'm worried/anxious/stressed about the news I'm likely to blurt it out at the first available opportunity... perhaps I should work on my WASPY self restraint a little more :)
He's very analytical, so I have to ensure that I present the facts, and nothing but the facts. Any sign of emotion and he says he hears "squeeking" and tunes me out. So, If I can remain calm and present facts, and then wait while he processes everything in his head before I speak again, it goes pretty well. This is easier said than done, as you might imagine ;-)
Fabulous plan. I use this all the time with Mr. Preppy... which, come to think of it, may be why he no longer wants to go out for drinks... hmm. I may have to change it up a little.
Oh, there are almost always drinks involved. It takes the edge off of both of us.
I am learning to just spit it out rather than trying to send him mind signals and getting frustrated when he "doesn't get it". Also, if it's bad news, it helps to have a plate of sweet to distract him.
I like to just slip it in at the end of something much less controversial and then go on with the conversation as if I never said it. This is healthy, no?
LOVE this approach!
I'm trying to remember that he has ESPN (and not the ever useful ESP)and that I've got to spell it all out. The more rational, the better(learned the HARD way!)
My approach is to try to be as sly as possible. I will wait till he's in a good mood, of course, and then casually drop it in conversation. Just like it's nothing. "Oh, by the way..." And then start talking about something else to distract him. "Scheaky, very very schneaky." - from 'Mr. Deeds'
:)
I don't think I have a system. Hmmm... Not good for me...
Maybe I should amend my removal of a band-aid quickly approach with your alcohol stupor one?
ooo, I really need to thin of a system now. I like yours!
That is an excellent plan. During a sporting event, preferably one were the guy's favorite team is winning by a big margin, is also a good time. It'll only be a little miffing and then they'll go back to their team's victory!
Hi! I stumbled across your blog today and I think I'm in love. I can't stop reading it! Love the advice here...after 3 vodkas my husband will pretty much let me do whatever I want...including tear down walls in our house and buy a new car. Although now he knows something's up when I meet him at the door with a martini. :)
I'm not sure we've ever had a system, which is a pity, for I do enjoy a good cocktail from time to time. Pity my husband isn't a drinker! Also, he's so laid back that, even if I had to deliver anything unpleasant and/or controversial to him, I'd probably have to check for a pulse!
I have employed this approach more than once and find it to be pretty fail proof!
I can completely gauged my husband's moods and thus, his ability to take certain news at certain times. In fact, I often try to create the enviroment that is more acceptable to him if I have certain news to deliver. I know exactly when and how to approach him - is that deceptive? Perhaps - but then again,his ability to blurt stuff out when and where he pleases usually balances us out.
But, I also know that when bad news comes unexpectedly - he's always there as well.
I too try to gauge my husband's mood before unpleasant news. Then, if he doesn't seem too distracted I add wine and go from there. If it's looking really bad, tears don't hurt.
Oh this is a good plan!
And I feel like "husband" is fine. I work for a Gay Rights and Equal Marriage company and my boss refers to his life partner as his husband, and so do a lot of other people within our company.And besides you are talking about your husband. Call it what it is. :)
Well we don't drink. We do however love to eat so I just cook my hubby a great meal...after I lay it on him. He hates for me to give him a cushion to any bad news. He likes to get hit with it when he walks in the door. He doesn't want to unwind then I come mess that up with some bad news LOL. Hey to each her/his own right!!???
I have no approach.
No plan.
I just say it as it is.
We both made a promise that we can say/tell each other anything and promise not to get mad and upset only if it's the truth. You can't get mad at the truth, right?
So, so far in our 6 years of marriage. Not one fight or argument. I know. I know...Barf! But we talk about everything.
okay - this is a great approach Mrs. IPPretty, but what if neither you or your husband drink alcohol? Then you must come up with another plan: make it seem like it was his idea. This technique requires a lot of finesse and it has taken all of my 17 years of marriage to master. . sometimes, I really mess up and I have to resort to the other 'drug' of choice, a winning football game. Nevertheless, sadly the trick is to find the right time, place or mood to reveal yourself. Now, if I can just teach my four sons to be more flexible and receptive - imagine what great husbands they will become!
I love Elle Woods.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) I can't keep secrets, good or bad, or news, good or bad. Ben can walk into the house and tell just by looking at me. So I always blurt out bad news, duck and whimper and whine about how cute I am and how nothing is ever my fault and wouldn't he like some cookies?
Usually, he's too busy laughing to get mad. On the rare occasion he does fuss, I run faster. And feetsie rubs erase everything.
and last week's casserole is real simular to King Ranch, but tastes really different. It's a lot lighter but still just as cheesy, if that makes since. So you can eat twice as much and feel like you don't want to die.
Pure blonde brilliance. I love it!
amazing marriage advice.
I recommend you call your husband your manmate.
Sounds piratey.
PS check out the blog design! I'm so sparkly excited about it www.martinisordiapergenies.com
I'm a big fan of the non-spontaneous, think-it-out, pre-write your script and practice it for an afternoon confrontation. It only works occasionally...
I hope all went well. I find good food works best for my hubby over drinks.
A couple of scotches in, my normally tactiturn hubs is Chatty Cathy. Definitely an excellent method of disclosing purchases!
Haha! This is cute.
I suck at breaking the news. Yes, I have no balls and I'm chicken poo. Maybe I should try your system... ;p
xo
If I can remain calm and present facts, and then wait while he processes everything in his head before I speak again, it goes pretty well. This is easier said than done, as you might imagine ;-)
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I usually just blurt it out and then wait. I have no plan. Just a complete lack of ability to keep anything to myself.
Teehee, I am filing that one away! Xoxo-BLC
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