*For the non-Texans here, "fancy ranch" is not an oxymoron. Think jeans, jewels, and boots
and cosmetic surgery, but the secretly expensive version of same.
Alas, my best behavior did not include running on time pre-party, so I threw on what I hoped to be summery, A-list appropriate ranch attire - white jeans, wedge espadrilles, and a lemon-yellow sleeveless tunic made by a certain Palm Beach designer synonymous with "appropriate" - without a second glance in the mirror.
The AH & I then scooted away in the Lawyermobile to collect a few fellow partygoers. When we picked them up, I noticed a few of the male guests looking oddly at me, but I imagined this was symptomatic of my decidedly Junior Varsity status at this party & didn't think too much of it. However, when we arrived at the party and some other men quickly glanced in my, er, chesticles region, then looked away, I knew something was amiss.
Armed with a vodka soda and a growing sense of foreboding, I skulked into one of the approximately 500 fancy ranch restrooms only to behold . . . the lovely "flesh-toned" bra I'd just purchased, winking at me from under this seemingly opaque and tasteful tunic.
Readers, there comes a time in every woman's life where she must make a decision. When finding yourself in such a predicament, you can either hide in the corner, mortified, and pray that no one notices you for the next 5 hours. Or you can do as I did, figuring that if you must be at a party full of VIPs for the next while, you may as well do so in the company of your kind friend, Vodka, and brazenly sidle up to the poolside bar in broad daylight as if nothing is amiss, only pausing occasionally to strategically align your handbag over your "second base" area.
Upon being grilled about the situation, the AH snickered & reassured me that the problem wasn't quite as terrible as I believed it to be. Given where his eyes were resting at the moment, we'll take this with the proverbial you-know-what, but I've learned two things from this episode: (1) when attending a Varsity-team sort of party, stick to what you know (sundresses for my casual summery events) and run the undergarments/bright lights test 1st; and (2) confidence (whether real or imaginary) and Grey Goose (only real) goes a long way.