*For the non-Texans here, "fancy ranch" is not an oxymoron. Think jeans, jewels, and boots and cosmetic surgery, but the secretly expensive version of same.
Alas, my best behavior did not include running on time pre-party, so I threw on what I hoped to be summery, A-list appropriate ranch attire - white jeans, wedge espadrilles, and a lemon-yellow sleeveless tunic made by a certain Palm Beach designer synonymous with "appropriate" - without a second glance in the mirror.
The AH & I then scooted away in the Lawyermobile to collect a few fellow partygoers. When we picked them up, I noticed a few of the male guests looking oddly at me, but I imagined this was symptomatic of my decidedly Junior Varsity status at this party & didn't think too much of it. However, when we arrived at the party and some other men quickly glanced in my, er, chesticles region, then looked away, I knew something was amiss.
Armed with a vodka soda and a growing sense of foreboding, I skulked into one of the approximately 500 fancy ranch restrooms only to behold . . . the lovely "flesh-toned" bra I'd just purchased, winking at me from under this seemingly opaque and tasteful tunic.
Readers, there comes a time in every woman's life where she must make a decision. When finding yourself in such a predicament, you can either hide in the corner, mortified, and pray that no one notices you for the next 5 hours. Or you can do as I did, figuring that if you must be at a party full of VIPs for the next while, you may as well do so in the company of your kind friend, Vodka, and brazenly sidle up to the poolside bar in broad daylight as if nothing is amiss, only pausing occasionally to strategically align your handbag over your "second base" area.
Upon being grilled about the situation, the AH snickered & reassured me that the problem wasn't quite as terrible as I believed it to be. Given where his eyes were resting at the moment, we'll take this with the proverbial you-know-what, but I've learned two things from this episode: (1) when attending a Varsity-team sort of party, stick to what you know (sundresses for my casual summery events) and run the undergarments/bright lights test 1st; and (2) confidence (whether real or imaginary) and Grey Goose (only real) goes a long way.
27 comments:
You are too cute. Thank goodness for vodka. Hubbys are no help on the way out the door. I once say in church with my sweater inside out. Gah!
I would have grabbed some rum ;-) It's the kind of thing that happens to everyone sometime I'm sure!
Or you can buy star-shaped pasties with pictures of Janet on them and people will go "oooh, I get it now"
Why can't the hubbies be relied upon to give us a realistic assessment of our wardrobe situation? At least you can laugh about it??? Ah ha.
Hate when this happens. I too would turn to Grey Goose for confidence.
Confidence goes a long way in situations like that!
At least you have a sense of humor about it! I bet you looked smashing, "flash tone" bra and all.
Love it! But I am totally blaming AH for this one.
Yay for confidence - real or imaginary. I think that probably had you fitting in as fancy Texas ranch more than anything else. Goodness knows that Texans have an outsized sense of self and good taste!
Yay for Grey Goose! I've so been in this situation and while men notice soemthing isn't right, they seem to think it's no big deal.
woo hoo for vodka! it saves the day once again!
I wanted Grey Goose to be my maid of honor (picture some lovely olive drop earrings), but was turned down.
I'm sure you handled it with grace and it has happened to ALL of us at some point. I recall being at a work function (and I could not leave early)for hours in my winter white pants that someone had spilled an entire bottle of red wine upon. Luky for that someone I loved him.
Oh my gosh...it was so darn hot here this weekend, if it were me, I'd say the guests are lucky I didn't just peel the shirt off all together at that point!! Then they REALLY would have gotten an eye-full!!
Sounds like you handled the situation appropriately. Mrs. "Appropriate" herself would have been pleased...although not so pleased at the flimsiness of her garment!
Nooo! The same thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago. At a Junior League lunch, nonetheless.
Vodka is the cure to almost all of lifes little troubles. :)
Another good thing about this aside from the vodka? No pesky, long drawn out fines from government agencies!
Impunity, baby, impunity!
Awesome story. I would have hit the vodka too.
You poor thing. I'm sure only the men noticed. And they shouldn't have had their eyes there anyway!
OK, I've never heard "Chesticles" before. Hilarious!
came by from SITS, you commented above me today.
Hope you have a great week!
- Margaret
Oh, you poor thing! However, I like your style! Just hang onto that Grey Goose and have a fun time anyway!
Oh no! Well, your outfit sounded very cute and appropriate minus the "extra". Good thing you had vodka, and a handbag.
oh girl! you crack me up!!
oh well.. i'm sure you rocked that outfit the whole time! and if janet jackson can handle it, well i'm pretty sure you can even better!!
At least you didn't decide to go commando up top after realizing your mistake in the mirror. Alcohol does wonders in this type of situation. Just be glad you weren't in the middle of a Mormon get together.
Oh no! This reminds me of my best friend's similar situation, only hers involved a white bikini that had never been pool-tested before....Glad you stuck it out and just went with it!
Well Miss Pretty, this is sounding like a chapter in the Annals of the Pretty, "When Breasticles Make Themselves Known" or something like that.
While wishing for remarkable self-confidence and fortitude, that is unlikely to have been our ultimate psychological state; most likely we would have been tempted to skulk into a corner and hide.
At least you have them!
tp
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