Pretty Headquarters
10 Malevolence Manor
Principality of Monaco, via Austin, Texas
Association of People Who Know Everything
123 High Horse Highway
Mars, Galaxy
Dear Sir or Madam:
I had hoped to clear this matter up with our State of the Uterus address. Sigh.
It would appear, however, that a number of you - not you, Pretty Readers, of course - may have missed this vitally important missive. Based on the comments I've heard lately from pregnant friends in particular, I understand that no small number of people are STILL, in this 21st century AD, offering any and all manner of unsolicited, uterus-bound advice, under that most sinister guise of "help".
You might be asking yourself - why is a blogger who is not pregnant, who has never been pregnant NOT that it is anyone else's business, taking on this monumental task? What relevant observation could such a person possibly have on a state she has never experienced? Um . . . good question. Happily, I've never been one to let inexperience get in the way of my opinions. Plus, my pregnant friends are a bit preoccupied at the moment with, you know, being pregnant. And - AND! - you won't find me giving them advice about their current state. Surprising, I know.
In truth, this letter is motivated by sincere anger and heartbreak on behalf of friends, both of the real world and invisible internet variety, who have recently had the double burden of pregnancy worries and fielding your numerous and - might I emphasize - unsolicited offers of advice about the same. To that end, a couple of thoughts from this admitted interloper:
- On how a mother chooses to bring her child into the world: I have no doubt that, due to your carb-free, pesticide-free, shadow-free diet throughout your rigorously scheduled pregnancy, your own personal labor was nothing short of a Broadway musical of delights. Keebler Elves assuredly tap-danced from your ladybits in painless unison to usher your Organic Little Bundle of Joy into the world, while the sun shone from your every orifice and Zac Efron crooned softly in the background.
Here's the thing: although your own pregnancy was a veritable feast of High School Musical delights, reliable sources tell me that might not be the case for everyone. Yes, even if they do follow your highly-regimented advice to the letter. What's more, if the object of your rapturous advice has not been so fortunate as to have such a blissful pregnancy, odds are your storytelling, strewn with fairy dust as it might be, may only serve to make the mom-to-be feel guilty or worse.
- On suggesting that a pregnancy setback or tragedy is the result of divine will: Religion being a deeply personal matter, I won't touch it with a finely manicured finger here except to say this - religion is a deeply personal matter. While some might take comfort in this sort of advice, many - even the spiritual amongst us - might not. Assume the latter & tread carefully.
Friends, can't we just all share one big epidural cocktail* and get along - silently, supportively, and, unless specifically asked, without judgment of our pregnant friends?
*Or not, if you or your Life Birth Lamaze Career Coach are against that sort of thing. Gah.
Wearily Yours,
Legallyblondemel
21 comments:
This is amazing. Thanks for the wonderful words...that I, too - despite not being pregnant in either the past or the present - have been tempted to say. It's like...nothing is off limits when it comes to pregnancy, right? Why is that? Totally ridiculous.
When it's baby time for Mrs. Smith, please pass the epidural cocktail this way - STAT.
Good post!
This message needs to be heard by a wider audience, LBM. You need to hit the sermon-for-hire circuit at every Warehouse of God and as the special guest "Community Builder Speaker" at Jr. League meetings...our hormone ravaged sisters need a voice.
Did someone say cocktails?
All I have to say is this: write a book. Not necessarily on this topic, but write a book on anything. You'll make millions. I laughed until I cried when I read, "Keebler Elves assuredly tap-danced from your ladybits in painless unison to usher your Organic Little Bundle of Joy into the world, while the sun shone from your every orifice and Zac Efron crooned softly in the background." Pure genius.
I'm on my 3rd pregnancy, and so no one is giving me advice on anything. They either a) figure I know it all already because my first 2 children are perfect angels or b) think I'm a lost cause because my children are holy terrors. I'm going with the former. ;-)
I **LOVE** this post. It was about this time a year ago when I was in the final couple of weeks of my first pregnancy that the comments came out in full force. I remember getting chastised about consuming one Caffeine Free Diet Coke a day - thank you, Today show, for running a spot on the dangers of caffeine for pregnant women. People came out in droves telling me what I should and should not drink. I made it through the pregnancy relatively unscathed by stupid comments, except for the one (male) business owner who asked me when I entered his store if I was "smuggling a watermelon in there." I promptly turned on my heel, exited the store, and have not been back since. One other thing to throw into the mix - why is it that everyone feels like a pregnant woman's stomach is begging to be patted or stroked??? Why is this considered acceptable behavior?? Last time I checked I did not deem my pregnant stomach community property!
Ooh, YES. Thinking about giving birth takes me back to graduate school, when I was festering about my thesis because I didn't think it wasn't brilliant enough and thought people expected more from me. My advisor - the most brilliant woman I know by far - said to me, with this dead-serious look in her eyes that I'll never forget: "Maggie, finishing is brilliant. That's all that matters here."
So on that note, having a baby is brilliant. How you get there, how you do it... it doesn't matter in the end. Folks need to zip it and support women making their own choices about how to best introduce that brilliance into the world.
OMG, YESSSSS!!! All my GF's said the same thing when they were pregnant. One of them was particularly violent while pregnant and threatened to "punch the next know it all in the face"
yeehaw! i am about to do my own keebler elf tap-dancing number with zac efron crooning in the background in celebration of this post! i love it.
thanks for saying it. it seems like when i say it no one listens-- they just offer more advice. maybe coming from a non-pregnant beautiful blogger like yourself, people will zip it.
p.s. you left "the doula" out of your people who may not approve of the epidural cocktail. or the c-section cocktail, i guess.
This post is wonderful! Having never been pregnant myself I still get annoyed when I hear others giving their advice to my friends.
One the other end of the spectrum...pregnant women/mothers should also avoid telling everyone else that we should have children right now too! And why it would be a great idea! I have had issues with this topic, as you can read here, can you tell? :)
While this isn't applicable to me either (yet?), I'm going to print out this post and carry it around for when/if I'm ever pregnant.
I cringe when people pull out the divine will argument, or "have another." Good lord people - get a clue.
I loved this post - thank you! :)
i can't even imagine what it would be like to be pregnant and have to hear the constant (unsolicited) advice from people. amen to this post.
This was hysterical especially since you are writing on behalf of your pregger friends!
Oh my gosh yes! I can't tell you how many people advised me NOT to be induced (even though my doctor recommended it) and NOT to opt for an epidural. Can I just say that both worked out beautifully and hells yes to epidurals! For myself that is, I'd never advise anyone doing anything...
I laughed so hard I cried. I'm going to tack this to my office wall.
Amen!! I'm not pregnant, but, many of my friends are, and there are of course the ideas that I have in my head about how I'd like my eventual pregnancy and childbirth to be--I realize nothing can be predicted, and, I may change my mind when the time comes, but, even as a non pregnant, the advice seems to come: "You know, you can't run after the 12th week" and so forth (really? cause my cousin ran until she popped that baby out--how she did it, I will never know)... Anyways! Amen sister. To each their own. Clearly. :)
Well done championing the cause! God bless her heart, but I wish I'd had this list to laminate and pass out to my grandmother and mother-in-law when I was pregnant. Because they'd both created huge broods, they were the all knowing of child rearing.
That was hilarious!
xoxox, an 8 month preggo reader!
Amen - I think I'm in the running to be the most pregnant person reading this - so thanks!
Brava! I will go ape-sh*t on people who do not follow these rules when and if the day comes to have a child. Once again, LBMel, thank you for being the voice of us all!
My own personal advice on the epidural debate nonsense: I conceived my child while under the influence of margaritas and planned on having him while under the influence of whatever hospital drugs they would give me. I would have preferred being knocked unconcious just like in the good old days as opposed to only being "numbed" from the waist down--like that helped much.And you know what? He's fine--a strange, arty child, but I think that's more genetics than chemicals I put in my body while enceinte.
It is strange that so many people, strangers in particular, think that simply because you've welcome a baby into the happy home of your uterus that you're also welcoming their unsolicited advice. Of course, most are well- intentioned, but alas, when someone tells me that they've had a natural birth and asks me if I've had the same, I simply answer, "If by a natural birth you mean an epidural, then yes, I did." Or something like, "I wouldn't have my teeth pulled without novocaine, so why would I not get an epidural." Honestly, though, it's a personal choice and really not anyone's business. After 28 hours of labor, it's that beautiful baby is in your arms not whether you got a shot in the spine that really matters. Baby number two is insisting I eat Breyer's straight from the carton, so I must oblige...
HA! You had me at Keebler Elves.
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