10 Malevolence Manor
Principality of Monaco, via Austin, Texas
Association of People Who Know Everything
123 High Horse Highway
Dear Sir or Madam:
I had hoped to clear this matter up with our State of the Uterus address. Sigh.
It would appear, however, that a number of you - not you, Pretty Readers, of course - may have missed this vitally important missive. Based on the comments I've heard lately from pregnant friends in particular, I understand that no small number of people are STILL, in this 21st century AD, offering any and all manner of unsolicited, uterus-bound advice, under that most sinister guise of "help".
You might be asking yourself - why is a blogger who is not pregnant, who has never been pregnant
NOT that it is anyone else's business, taking on this monumental task? What relevant observation could such a person possibly have on a state she has never experienced? Um . . . good question. Happily, I've never been one to let inexperience get in the way of my opinions. Plus, my pregnant friends are a bit preoccupied at the moment with, you know, being pregnant. And - AND! - you won't find me giving them advice about their current state. Surprising, I know.
In truth, this letter is motivated by sincere anger and heartbreak on behalf of friends, both of the real world and invisible internet variety, who have recently had the double burden of pregnancy worries and fielding your numerous and - might I emphasize - unsolicited offers of advice about the same. To that end, a couple of thoughts from this admitted interloper:
- On how a mother chooses to bring her child into the world: I have no doubt that, due to your carb-free, pesticide-free, shadow-free diet throughout your rigorously scheduled pregnancy, your own personal labor was nothing short of a Broadway musical of delights. Keebler Elves assuredly tap-danced from your ladybits in painless unison to usher your Organic Little Bundle of Joy into the world, while the sun shone from your every orifice and Zac Efron crooned softly in the background.
Here's the thing: although your own pregnancy was a veritable feast of High School Musical delights, reliable sources tell me that might not be the case for everyone. Yes, even if they do follow your highly-regimented advice to the letter. What's more, if the object of your rapturous advice has not been so fortunate as to have such a blissful pregnancy, odds are your storytelling, strewn with fairy dust as it might be, may only serve to make the mom-to-be feel guilty or worse.
- On suggesting that a pregnancy setback or tragedy is the result of divine will: Religion being a deeply personal matter, I won't touch it with a finely manicured finger here except to say this - religion is a deeply personal matter. While some might take comfort in this sort of advice, many - even the spiritual amongst us - might not. Assume the latter & tread carefully.
Friends, can't we just all share one big epidural cocktail* and get along - silently, supportively, and, unless specifically asked, without judgment of our pregnant friends?
*Or not, if you or your Life Birth Lamaze Career Coach are against that sort of thing. Gah.