I mean, seriously. Conduct unbecoming an aspiring Princess of Monaco.
You know those appallingly cliched things you swore you'd never do if you ever got married or otherwise long-term partnered up? The stuff that newlywed nightmares and Jim Belushi sitcoms are made of? On the level of referring without irony to your spouse as "the old ball and chain", complete with faux-exasperated eye roll? Or starting to dress and look like your partner or pet*, not necessarily in that order?
*Although if you are dressing your pets, or dressing like your pets, you might have more to worry about than mere Smug Marriedness. In related news, please ignore this post. Thank you.
Yeah . . . well, along these illustrious, utterly obnoxious lines, check out what I accidentally quipped to a co-worker the other day, apropos of absolutely nothing. Mind you that the Anonymous Husband had appeared nowhere in the conversation to this point:
"Oh, we did go see 'Revolutionary Road' the other day. We thought it was wonderful, but . . . you know . . . it could have used an upbeat musical number or two and some animated Disney characters."
Like with those delightful sentence diagrams from English class, let's dissect the various problems with the above sentence, shall we?
1) The use of "we" not in the Royal sense - as regular readers know, the Pretty is quite the fan of the irregular and inappropriate use of same - nor in the factual sense, but in the more sinister, Orwellian groupthink sense, "My husband and I think just alike about everything!! And do everything together! Nary an independent rattling around in this Pretty head of mine!! You poor singletons must be exhausted having to, um, have opinions of your own and stuff!
(Credit: Barnes & Noble)
I wonder if Mr. Orwell could have imagined being featured in an inane post about marital cliches. Sounds appropriately apocalyptic to me, for what it's worth.
2) The snootypants implication that the AH & I are the sort of people who see Artistic Movies on a regular basis, on purpose, of the sort that only play at one theater in a 500 mile radius. And, impliedly, watch PBS only and grocery shop at Whole Foods, vegan organic gluten carb free, while espousing the virtues of cruelty-free knitting.
3) Sigh. I'm just too disappointed in myself to continue.
Readers, will you forgive me? I promise, pinky swear, to only use the Dread Pronoun We in the irreverent, delusional sense henceforth . . . and endeavor to stop using terms like "henceforth" . . . and "endeavor" - oh, nevermind . . .