Important, Special Note to Oprah

Pretty Headquarters
One Snark Avenue
Principality of Monaco, Via Austin, Texas

Harpo Strategic Planetary Command Central
C/O Ms. Oprah Winfrey
123 Drink The Kool-Aid Path
Chicago, IL 60601

Dear Ms. Winfrey:

Ms. Winfrey, allow me to say what a tremendous help you've been to me and Our Great Nation in times of trouble, when I was atwitter with confusion about what diet(s) to go on, or what book to read, or even which Presidential candidate to support. Whenever confusion reigns, I know to simply turn on my television at 4 pm Eastern/3 pm Central, turn off my brain, and take in your wisdom, you Sorceress of Self-Esteem. As a result, I've naturally been so very busy reciting your helpful mantras like "Live your own dreams!" that I've flat run out of time to do stuff like form my own opinions about literature or American politics.

So imagine my uproarious delight upon learning that this very Friday, your Oprah store will open online, hence relieving our nation of our collective "shopping" thinking as well! I have so many favorites from your selection, which in large part is lovingly personalized with your very own signature, but following are a few particularly worthy picks:

(credit: The Oprah Store)

Not just any old yoga pants, but "O" yoga pants; see the embroidered initial on the right hip. Oprah, I can just imagine how life will change for me after this mere $44 investment! Just picture the flattering lighting and chirpy lines of workout encouragement these pants surely come with, in stark contrast to the mirthful laughter and reminders of today's York Peppermint Patty intake I currently receive from my Target-bought, "O"-free pants. . .

(credit: The Oprah Store)

I've had to divert HRH Pug's attention with a bone, so driven to retail distraction would he be by this fetching polo shirt! With the festive green "O" on the collar and red shirt color, this will make the perfect stocking stuffer for my little "man". And I can only imagine the look of delight and surprise on the Anonymous Husband's face upon his dog receiving festive Oprah apparel!

(credit: The Oprah Store)

Because your controlling my every waking thought is simply not sufficient, I'd like these drawstring "O" pj bottoms as well. Let there be no moment, slumbering or otherwise, when I am not at your command! And I mean that in a totally non-skeevy way! Exclamation point!

To conclude, Empress Winfrey, allow me to tell you how exceedingly grateful I and women across America are, to further line your glorious pockets with well-earned profits*. Or would be, that is, if we were able to form one single thought independent of you, you brilliant billionairess.

*CNN admittedly tells me here that certain profits from your Chicago retail store go to your Angel Network of charities, which is begrudgingly certainly to be commended.

Smootches,

Legallyblondemel,
Pretty HQ

PS - Ms. Winfrey, I hope the above doesn't suggest that I'm not excessively eager to attend an in-person taping of your show. On the contrary, I might secretly tune in to your show now and again. And be in awe of your admittedly inspiring life story and business savvy and eager for an excuse to visit Chicago again. So, if you're positively dying to have me attend a taping, my mailing address is above. I'll bring the Bolly, darling, if you'll send me some of that outrageous self-esteem . . .